


To Build A Home

by bucknstevie



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childhood Friends, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Slow Build, Tags will be added, War, children to adults
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-04-01 19:25:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4031734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucknstevie/pseuds/bucknstevie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's about to start the fourth grade. All he needs are his friends Matt and Clint to help him get through the year.</p><p>Well, that's what he thinks anyway.</p><p>It's the first day of school and he gets in trouble for punching someone in the face. He had a reason though. He was defending the beautiful blond with the piercing blue eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**September 4th, 199 7 **

 

"James, honey, you need to get out of bed in the next five minutes if you don't want to be late for school," Winifred called from Bucky's doorway.

"Can't I just go tomorrow?" Bucky groaned.

"You don't want to miss the first day of the  fourth  grade, do you?" His mother retorted.

That's when he heard the stomping of quick feet. Without even having a chance to look up towards the sound, his little sister Rebecca tackled him, nearly throwing them both off Bucky's bed.

"Jamie! Jamie! We have to go to school!" His sister shouted. 

"Ahh, I know 'Becca,"

"Then get up, get up!" And in a flash,  little Rebecca was out of his room and going back to hers to get ready.

It took all the strength he had for Bucky to get out of bed. _Just a few more minutes_   he pleaded to no one. He got dressed quickly and slouched down the stairs, faced with a very impatient Rebecca and a very excited mother sitting at the dinner table with the smell of bacon and pancakes  filling the air. 

"James, it's nearly time to go," Winifred scolded.

"Yeah, Jamie we have to go soon," Rebecca repeated with a hint of snootiness.

"It's fine, I'm not hungry anyway, I'll eat at recess," 

Bucky walked towards the foyer and sat down on the cedar chest in the hallway to put his shoes on. After he finished, it was the norm for him to tie Rebecca's as well. She always said he knew how to tie her shoes best. 

"Where's Dad?" Bucky asked his mother on the way to the car.

"He had to leave early for work this morning. You know he's been working on that huge financial case, right?" Winifred answered as she buckled Rebecca in her car seat. 

Bucky walked over to the right side of the car, opened the door and sank himself down on the plush leather backseat.

"Yeah, I know," Bucky sighed.

Winifred started up the car and turned to pull out of the driveway.

"Sweetheart, you know your father hates that he can’t see you off to your first day of the fourth grade-"

"Or Becca's   _first_  day of school ," he challenged. 

"James, your father's job is very time consuming, but he loves what he does. You can’t be angry at him for it."

All Bucky did was huff and look out the car window. It was going to be a long car ride.

 

When they finally reached the school, Bucky almost bolted out of the car just to get away from the tension in side. He stopped himself when he saw his mother get Becca out of her car seat . 

"Now, baby, today might seem like a lot and I will stay with you the whole day if you want me to," Winifred kissed Rebecca's cheek.

"Dat's okay mommy, I'm a big girl," She hugged her mom tightly before grabbing Bucky's hand.

Winifred held Rebecca's other hand and began walking towards the school. The courtyard was filled with children and their parents. Bucky recognized a few of his school mates, Matt and Clint, and asked his mom if it were okay to go see them. Of course she said it was all right and he jogged to see his friends. 

"Matt!"  He called.

Matt Murdock turned around and waved in his general direction . 

"School's such a freaking bummer," Clint Barton complained as Bucky approached them.

"I don't know, I kind of like it," Matt said quietly.

"That's because you're a nerd," Bucky joked.

"Just because I'm smarter than you doesn't mean I'm a nerd,"

"Okay tough guy, " Clint waved Matt off.

"We should go in now if we don't wanna  be late," Matt insisted.

"Yeah, okay, whatever," Clint shrugged and broke off from the pack. 

Turns out the three of them were in the same homeroom. 

"Awesome!" Clint threw his fists in the air in a sign of triumph. 

All Matt did was groan. Bucky laughed at both their reactions. Their teacher, Miss Adams, introduced herself and forced the class to do that introduction thing they have to do every year . 

"Stand up, introduce yourself," She walked around the class as she spoke. Suddenly, she stopped and faced Clint.

"Your turn," She prompted.

"Fine,"  he rose from his seat, "my name is Clint and I don't like school one bit,"

A few students chuckled. Miss Adams pursed her lips.

"I hope to change your mind, Clint. This is going to be a great year," She smiled and walked off, picking the students one by one. 

At recess, Bucky sat on the stairs near the front door with his two friends. That was always their spot. 

"First day and I already want to go back to summer,"

"Clint, be a little positive, will ya?" Matt said with his face in his hands.

"Can't, Matt, it's not who I am," 

"Yeah, I know that," 

Bucky wasn't really paying attention to what his friends were saying, he was focusing on what was happening down in the field. A bunch of kids seemed to be huddled in a corner and shouting.

"Hey, y' know what's going on over there?" Bucky pointed to the crowd of boys.

"Yes, because while it may seem I'm sitting on these stairs, I'm actually way over there," Clint announced, his words drenched in sarcasm.

"Don't be a butthead, Clint," Matt snapped.

"I'm gonna check it out," Bucky started walking towards the group of boys.

"Hey, uh, not sure that's the best idea," Clint noted. "Kinda looks like Brock Rumlow and his group,"

"I just want to see what's happening. Give me two seconds,"  Bucky called out over his shoulder .

The brunet lightly jogged to the mess of boys and started to catch words here and there. 

"What's wrong, new kid? Get on your feet and punch me," Brock growled.

Suddenly, Bucky broke into a sprint to stop the fight. 

"Brock, what's going on here?"  He  shouted.

"Leave me alone, Jay," Brock warned.

Bucky pushed through three of Brock's friends to get to the source of the predicament. Lying on the floor was a small, frail looking, beautiful blond boy, beaten to a pulp. The boy vaguely looked up and Bucky's breath caught in his chest. Crisp blue eyes stared directly at him and Bucky's swore his heart was beating a mile a minute.

"Brock, What the _hell_ are you doing?"

"Teaching the new kid who runs this school,"  He  puffed out his chest and laughed.

"You're nothing but a bully,"

Bucky turned to look towards the sound and was shocked to see the blond on his feet again, stumbling to keep balance but nonetheless on his feet.

"Why don't you do yourself a favor  and  stay down next time?" Brock went for a right hook but Bucky blocked it and punched him right in the nose.

Brock fell back and covered his face with his hands. Immediately, he was up to his forearms drenched in blood. His nose was broken.

"You'll regret you ever touched me, Barnes," He threatened and walked away, his friends trotting behind him.

"I had him on the ropes," The blond  protested.

"Oh, yeah. Definitely seems like that was the case," Bucky retorted.

"I can handle myself," The boy shook the dirt off his clothes.

"A little 'thank you' would be appreciated,"

The boy looked at Bucky s ternly and began walking away.

"Hey, come on, don't be such a grump," Bucky caught up to the boy and walked next to him. "Not many kids here would pick a fight with Rumlow. What did he do?"

"Picking on some girl," He confessed.

"And you're only solution was to get him to beat you up?"

"Like I said, I had him on the ropes,"

Bucky held up his hands in defeat. "Okay, tough guy."

The school bell rang and all the students started to line up with their homeroom teachers in the courtyard .

"You got a name?" Bucky asked before parting ways.

"Steve,"

"James," Bucky smiled a big toothy grin.

"Jay, come on, we're going in!" Clint waved him to hurry up .

"Coming," Bucky called out, "Nice to meet you, Steve."

Bucky didn't hear Steve's reply, but he couldn't get the beautiful blond with the piercing blue eyes out his head for the rest of the school day.

 

Winifred was waiting for Bucky and Rebecca at the end of the day. She gave Becca a huge hug and kissed her. When she caught sight of Bucky, she gave him a look of disappointment.

"We need to talk when we get home," She said.

Bucky just shrugged and got into the car. 

The way home was agonizing. Bucky knew he was in for a mouth full when they got home. There was no doubt in his mind that Brock had told him teacher who probably told the principal who, no doubt, called his mom at work. Technically, he didn't do anything wrong. He stopped a bully and saved Steve in the process. 

_ Steve. _

_ Beautiful Steve . _

When they pulled into the driveway, Bucky was the f irst to get out of the car. He was already halfway up the steps to the front door when his mother called after him.

"James, wait for me in the living room," 

Bucky didn't answer.

He waited in the living room for what seemed like ages. He watched his sister run into the house, up the stairs to her room. He watched his mother take off her jacket and walk right passed him without even saying anything. She stayed in the kitchen for ten minutes before finally addressing him.

"You know what we need to talk about, yes?" His mother walked around the couch and stood in front of the television, directly facing him and crossed her arms against her chest.

"Probably," Bucky leaned forwards and rested his elbows on his knees.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you," She ordered.

Bucky slowly sat up and leaned against the couch.

"Tell me what happened,"

And so he did. He told her how he was with Clint and Matt beforehand and how he had seen Rumlow and his friends huddled up. He told her they were picking on a frail boy and how he punched Brock for trying to take a swing at Steve.

"You should have gone to see a teacher," 

"And keep letting them punch the crap-"

"Language," Winifred scolded.

"Sorry. Keep letting them punch him over and over? I couldn't do that."

"Matt or Clint could have gone with you,"

Bucky let out a scoff. "Oh yeah, the blind kid and the one with bigger anger problems than me? No, thanks,"  Bucky  pushed himself off the couch, "Look, mom, I'm not gonna apologize to him if that's what you want me to do. I'm not sorry for punching him in the face."

"No, honey. I don't expect you to apologize, but you are grounded for the next two weeks," His mother turned on her heel and walked out of the kitchen before Bucky could register what she had said.

"Grounded? For what?" Bucky followed her.

"I will not tolerate violence in this family. You did something wrong, no matter what the circumstances were. You' re grounded and that's that."

He opened his mouth to protest.

"And you keep arguing with me, you'll be grounded for a month, got it?" 

"Whatever," Bucky stormed off to his room.

A few hours later, there was a gentle knock at his door. 

"Jamie, Jamie. I want to come in," Rebecca whined.

"I don't really want to see anyone," He answered into his pillow.

"Jamie, pleeeeease," 

Bucky finally caved and opened the door. His sister jumped on his bed and wiggled under the covers.

"Whoa, Whoa, what are you doing?" 

"I'm sleeping in here tonight," She announced proudly.

The boy let out a chuckle. "Oh yeah? And what makes you think that?"

"Because I'm going to bed now," She yawned.

Bucky left his door ajar and climbed into bed next to his sister. 

"Jamie, can you read me a bedtime story?"

"Like what? I don’t have any books you'd want to hear,"

"I like that story Mommy reads to me a lot," 

"And which story is that?" 

"I think, I think it's called  _Love You Forever._ "

"Fine, I'll be right back," He booped her on the nose and left the room.

When he returned, Becca already looked like he was fast asleep. 

"Better not have fallen asleep on me. Don't you want to hear the bedtime story?" He prompted.

"I'm not sleeping. I just closed my eyes for a few minutes," Becca mumbled. 

"Good. Now get comfortable, the story is about to begin," 

Rebecca cuddled up to Bucky and wrapped herself around  h is torso. 

"I can hear your heartbeat," She giggled. 

"Yeah?" 

"Boom-boom... boom-boom... boom-boom," She whispered.

"Okay, okay. Story time," 

"Yay," 

"' _ A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang: I'll love you forever,  I'll like you for always, a s long as I'm living,  _ _my baby you'll be_ ,"

"I love this story," His sister cooed.

 

Bucky woke up the following morning to see Rebecca wrapped up in the blankets, sucking on her finger. He fluttered his eyes to adjust to the sun breaking through his curtains.  He checked his alarm clock. 

_6:47 am_.

He had another hour to sleep before his mom would come in to wake him up. He rested on his back and stared at the ceiling, finding himself completely awake. 

Distantly, he heard his mom speaking to someone.

"…Of course I did. What kind of example would I be setting if I didn't? "

"Come on, Winifred, let's not be dramatic,"

That could only be one voice.

_ Dad. _

Bucky nearly woke the sleeping preschooler next to him getting out of bed. It had been weeks since he had last seen his father. He dashed out of his room and almost tripped on the stairs on his way down . He stopped in the doorway of the kitchen and saw his dad sitting in his usual seat while his mother was in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. 

"I'm not, George but- James? What are you doing up so early?" His mother paused from chopping strawberries.

"Dad!" Bucky exclaimed and ran straight for his father's arms.

"James, my boy," His father graciously accepted his son's arms and held him. 

"I missed you so much," Bucky's said in his father's chest. 

"I missed you too, son,"

"Are you home for long?" Bucky asked as he pulled out of his father's hug.

"I hope so. From what I know, Mr. Brians doesn't plan on sending me anywhere for the next few months so I should be here for a while."

"Good."

"James, wake up Rebecca, we're gonna have a nice family breakfast," His father announced proudly.

"Be right back."

Bucky ran up the stairs, skipping two at a time and slowly walked into his room. Rebecca was still fast asleep. He approached her and stroked her hair.

"Becca, wake up. "

Becca mumbled incoherently.

"Come on, Becca."

"Jamie, I'm so tired,"

"But Daddy's home." Bucky tempted.

That seemed to wake her up in a millisecond. She shot out of bed and grabbed onto Bucky's hand.

"Daddy's home?" A full smile smacked on her face.

"I would never lie," He assured.

"Then we have to go now!" She pulled him out of the room and down the stairs.

"Daddy!"

"Munchkin," George Barnes walked up to Becca and scooped her up in his arms, her legs wrapped around his waist. 

"Daddy, I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, sweetheart."

"Don't leave me again, okay?" Rebecca pouted and squeezed her father with all the strength she had.

"I can only do my best," He tapped his index finger on her nose.

" Dat's  good enough. "

"Okay, everybody, breakfast is served." Winifred announced.

On the table there was waffles, bacon, an assortment of fruit, three different types of juices and scrambled eggs. His mother did know how to make breakfast one heck of a breakfast.

Afterward, Bucky excused himself to his room and got ready for school. He was brushing his teeth when he heard his father enter his room.

"James?"

"Yeah, give me a second," He called out.

He finished brushing his teeth and walked back into his room. His father was sitting on his bed.

"What’s up dad?"

"Your mom told me what happened," Bucky only had time to roll his eyes before his father continued. "And I'm not saying what you did was right, but I know you'd only use force if it was necessary. So, if you really did punch him, it was because he deserved it, right?"

"Well, yeah," Bucky shrugged.

"Now, don't tell your mom I said that," George smirked.

"You're not scared of mom, are you?" 

George chuckled. "You're mother can be very scary when she wants to be."

He pushed himself off the bed and mussed Bucky's hair.

"Now, hurry and get ready before your mom started yelling," He winked and left the room.

 

"No, way! Your dad's back?"

"Yeah!"

"Boys and girls, class is about to begin, so wrap up your conversation and sit in your seats," Miss Adams announced. 

"Talk to you later, Jay."

Clint jumped off the desk and walked over to his desk. 

Bucky sat in his chair, fidgeting. He bounced his leg and twiddled his thumbs. After barely being able to sit down for half an hour, he asked to go to the bathroom.

"Make it fast, James."

Bucky walked around the school halls. Every exit door he came a cross was almost like an invitation to leave. He just wanted to be home and spend as much time as he could with his dad before his boss sent him off somewhere. 

Eventually, Bucky found himself walking towards the washroom. He could hear voices as he approached it. 

"Barnes isn't here to save you," 

And then came a loud thud. 

Bucky quickened his pace and jogged to the bathroom. It was like he was reliving yesterday all over again. 

Steve was on the floor, with Brock beating on him. 

"Are we really doing this again?" Bucky asked, a sigh attached to his question.

"Barnes." Brock straightened up and looked over his shoulder. 

Something inside Bucky told him to take a step back; which is exactly what he did. Brock turned his body to face the young brunet. It seemed like something in Brock snapped. It was almost as if the only thing he was seeing was red and that gave Bucky goosebumps. 

"I told you you'd regret touching me." 

Brock stalked ever so slowly towards Bucky, forcing him to back into a corner. He looked over Rumlow's shoulder and caught sight of Steve. He was already back on his feet. He was never going to get used to how fast a boy that small and weak looking could get up from a punch.

Steve pointed towards the door and held up three fingers. Then two. Then one.

"Hey! I wasn't finished with you, yet!" 

Brock rolled his eyes and turned to face Steve. 

"Seriously?" He let out a dry laugh.

"Go, James!" Steve yelled out. 

Bucky dodged the older boy and ran out of the bathroom and into the staircase. The blond boy quickly following him. 

"Keep going!" Steve cried out.

So Bucky did. 

Finally reaching the main floor, they took a sharp left and took off to the boys washroom. 

"Okay, is this going to become a regular thing now?" Bucky asked, completely out of breath.

The blonde took out his inhaler from his pocket and took a deep breath.

"It seems that way, doesn't it?" 

"You're never going to get him off your back unless you say something to someone, you know?" 

"I'll take my chances."

"Look, I hate Brock as much as the next guy, but I can't get in trouble again and-"

"No one's asking you to get involved," Steve cut in.

"I'm pretty sure I'm involved now,"

"Yeah, well-"

"Steve, we can’t face him alone, but maybe we can if we stick together," 

Steve sighed. 

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"Clint and Matt are good people."

"Yeah."

And then the PA came on.

" _Will James Barnes and Steve Rogers please report back to their classrooms, James Barnes an d _ _Steve Rogers. Thank you._ "

"Oh, crap." 

"Yeah, we better get back. I'll see you later, okay, Steve?"

"Okay."

* * *

 

Steve and Bucky went together like peanut butter and jelly. They were always seen with each other, whenever they could. It became known to the group that they were like one person. They were all buds but at the end of the day, it was really just them two. 

Steve would pick a fight, and Bucky would have to drag him out of it, kicking and screaming. Even Winifred didn't bother getting mad whenever she got a call from the school because she knew it was only ever out of good intentions. Sarah would shake her head whenever Steve came home, black eyed and blood and Bucky would laugh. 

Bucky admired Steve's courage. Here was this small boy who had the heart and soul of a stallion. He didn't care if you were twice his size, if you did something wrong, he'd see to it that you pay for it. Steve was just full of goodness wrapped with a bow. Bucky would never be able to thank whoever it was that brought them together enough.

Without even realizing it, he was falling in love with Steve. Slowly, but still falling. 

"Guess what I just heard?" 

"What's up Matt?" Steve asked.

"Brock's gone."

"What do you mean gone?" Clint and Bucky said at the same time.

"I was at the office because I misplaced my cane like I always do and I heard his mother come in and say she's taking him out of this school because it's too 'stressful' for him."

Clint broke into laughter.

"That is rich!" 

Bucky and Steve looked at each other and grinned.

"Looks like that's one less bully we have to deal with." Steve noted.

* * *

On a Sunday afternoon, a year after their bathroom incident, Steve and Bucky were in his backyard, kicking a soccer ball around, really having anything better to do.

"I ever tell you I hate the name 'James'?" Bucky kicked the ball in Steve's direction.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Makes me feel old." 

Steve chuckled. "Okay, is there anything else you'd want to be called?"

"Um, what about Captain The Best?" Bucky smiled a huge toothy grin.

"No way," Steve gentled kicked the ball.

"Come on! It's so catchy."

"Not a chance."

"Fine. You got any bright ideas?"

"How about Bucky?"

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows.  "Bucky? Where’s that come from?"

"Well, Buchanan... Bucky. You don't like it?"

"Love it."

"Cool, because I had nothing else to offer you."

"I still love Captain The Best." Bucky lightly jogged to Steve, dribbling the ball with his feet.

"Unfortunately, no one else would."

He tousled Steve's hair and laughed.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

* * *

 

"Why in't Steve here?" Clint asked, mouth full of food. 

It's lunchtime and the boys were sitting at their table, munching on their sandwiches .

"Come on, Clint. Don't you have any manners?" Matt sighed.

"Murdock, how do you even know what I'm doing? " Clint remarked.

"Just because I'm blind doesn't mean I can't tell when someone just spoke with their mouth full."

"You know what I think?" 

"Not really, but I know you're gonna tell me anyway." 

"I think that you're just lying to everybody." 

Matt let out a chuckle.

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"I don't think you're really blind. I think you're just making it all up to- "

"Clint, you talk out of your butt all the time."

Bucky shook his head at his two friends. They were always arguing about something. Usually, it was about something that Clint did that annoyed Matt. Nonetheless, he couldn’t see them ever drifting apart, they were two opposites that fit together perfectly. Clint was the out of control one, and Matt kept him level ed .

"Seriously though, why isn’t Steve here? " Matt asked him, interrupting his thoughts.

"Hospital." Was all he answered.

Steve had been having a lot of trouble breathing lately. It seemed as though his asthma had been getting worse. He'd been in the hospital the last two days, recovering. Bucky went to visit him on the first day, after school. 

What he saw made his breath catch. Steve was asleep, lying in the hospital bed, looking absolutely beaten down. He has tubes in his nose and a machine next to him to regulate his breathing. Sarah, his mother, was sitting in the arm chair, holding her son's hand. 

Bucky walked in with his mother. Sarah hadn’t noticed them until they were only a few feet from the bed. 

"Sarah, how is he?" Winifred asked. 

The two had become close since the boys had met. They bonded over playdates and spoke nearly every single day. Neither of them had any girlfriends they could really rely on, so it was fortunate they had found each other.

Sarah sighed, kissed her boy's hand and got up to kiss Winifred on the cheek.

"The doctors say it shouldn't take long for him to recover. He's been through worse, so I have hope." Her mouth smiled but Bucky could tell her eyes were full of sadness. 

"And how are you?" 

Another sigh. "I'm okay."

"I'm sure he'll be fine. He is a fighter, after all." Bucky smiled up at Sarah.

"He sure is , James."

There was a knock at the door. Bucky looked over his shoulder and saw a man in a white lab coat. No doubt, a doctor. 

"Yes, doctor?" 

"Sarah, can we speak to you outside? It's about your vacation time." 

"Oh, um, all right." 

Sarah followed the doctor out of the room. 

"Honey, do you want anything from the cafeteria? Juice or something?" 

"No, thanks." 

"Okay, I'll only be a few minutes." She kissed his hair and left the room, leaving the boys alone. 

Bucky walked around the bed and sat in the armchair. He watched Steve's chest rise and fall. His blonde hair was flopping over his forehead and hitting his long eyelashes. Bucky fought the urge to move the hair out of his face. 

"Steve?" Bucky whispered.

A little moan escaped Steve's lips. 

"Come on, buddy."

"Bucky?" His voice was barely audible. 

"Yeah, pal, it's me." 

"What're you doing here?" 

"Obviously to see you, punk." 

"Jerk."

Steve was back at school a few days later. The school year was coming to an end and he insisted he had missed enough days. 

"You're the only person I know that gets mad when they miss school." 

"Well me and Matt." 

Bucky laughed.

"Yeah, and Matt."

They were sitting on Bucky's room floor, playing chess.

"I will never understand his game." 

"Buck, it's really not that complicated." 

"For you, maybe. But I'm not Albert Einstein."

Steve threw his head back in laughter.

"Buck, you're not making any sense. "

"Shut up, jerk. "

"Punk."

The boys continued to play in silence. Every turn he had, Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, not having a clue as to what piece he should move. Steve was always three steps ahead of him. 

"Buck?" 

"Yeah?" Bucky answered, keeping his eyes on the chess board. 

"Thanks." 

* * *

 

Bucky's fourteen and he feels like he's on top of the world. School is over and he has the best three guys he could ever need .

They were all at Clint's house playing Monopoly. Clint was dominating the game, having nearly one hotel on all his properties. Steve, closely behind, with two houses on each property. Matt in third place, with only properties and Bucky in last, with nothing on the board to call his own.

"How the hell are you beating me?" Bucky asked Matt.

"What? Just because I'm blind doesn’t mean I can't kick ass." 

"It's just not fair. Why does Steve have to be the honest one?"

Both Clint and Bucky have tried cheating by staying silent whenever they landed on one of Matt's properties, but leave it to good ol' Steve to tell him when they did.

"Buck, you're just being sour 'cause you're losing." Steve pointed out.

"Listen, I have a plan," Bucky rolled the dice, picked up his piece and began moving six spaces," I may seem like I'm losing, but soon, you will all fall and everything will belong to Bucky Barnes." He announced proudly before landing on one of Clint's properties.

"BOOYAH! And on Boardwalk too?" Clint let out an evil laugh. "Barnes, you owe me 1400$."

"Fuck you, Barton." Bucky took 1400$ out of the small pile of money he had and tossed it to Clint. 

Meanwhile, Matt and Steve had both hands on their mouths to stifle their laughter. 

"I'm beginning to think that I hate this game. Why do we play this game?"

"Because everyone loves to see you lose and then watch you lose your mind over it," Steve managed to say, still laughing. 

"That's it. After this one, we're never playing Monopoly again."

Like usual, Bucky lost and the next weekend, he lost again. 

Two weeks later, Steve and Bucky were sitting on his bed doing homework. Actually, Bucky was the only one still doing homework. Steve had finished it hours before so he was drawing in his sketchbook. Every now and then, Bucky would glance up from his algebra and gaze at the blond sitting a few feet away from him. 

It never ceased to amaze him how beautiful he thought Steve was. The way his nose would crinkle whenever he made a mistake or how his tongue would stick out just a little when he was really concentrating. And as soon as his hair would flop over his forehead and threaten to blurry his vision, Bucky felt himself wanting to move it out of his face. He thought about it sometimes.

What if he were to lean over, brush the hair out his face and kiss him? What would Steve's lips feel like? He came to the conclusion that they would be soft like silk. Bucky would never reveal these thoughts and feelings to him, though. 

** August 20th, 2005 **

During his sixteenth year, Bucky's life begins to fall apart.

"What do you mean you're not coming back?"

Matt and Bucky were sitting on the floor of his room. 

"I have to go to this stupid orphanage upstate."

Bucky scoffed. "You have to be joking."

"I wouldn't joke about this." 

"It's not right. You only have one year left of high school.  They can't just let you stay with one of us?"

"It's not that easy."

"Matt, there's no way-" Bucky stopped himself before he finished.

"No way someone would adopt a blind teenager ? I know." Matt continued for him.

"This is pure bullshit!"   


Bucky leaped onto his feet and began pacing back and forth, rage pulsing through his veins. 

He was about to lose one of his closest buds. 

"When do you leave?" 

"About a week from now."

"A week!" Bucky threw his hands up in the air in defeat.

"Yeah, I know." 

"You tell Clint , yet?"

Matt shook his head.

"If you're not taking it well, there's no way Clint will." 

"And when do you plan on telling him?"

"I don't know. How do you tell your best friend that you have to leave them?"

At the time, Bucky had no idea what to answer him. Not then.

"You need to tell him like, soon. The guy's gonna be need time to cool down."

"Yeah, I'll probably tell him tonight."

Bucky let out a deep breath. Grade twelve was not going to be a good year.

Five days later, all the boys were at Matt's house, helping him pack. Well, actually only Bucky and Steve were helping. Clint was taking everything out of the boxes and throwing them around the house.

"You're not leaving. I won't let you, " He'd say after throwing more of Matt's clothes in the hallway.

"I don't want to shit on your threat, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can do." 

Before Matt could get up, Steve was already halfway into the hallway, picking up his scattered garments. 

"You're gonna come visit us though, right?" Bucky asked.

"I don’t have a clue. I don't even know what the place looks like."

"And you won't need to because you're not going," Clint leaned down to grab another box but Bucky beat him to it, holding it in place.

"How can you be okay with this?" He shouted.

"I'm not but-" Bucky started.

"No. No 'but's," Clint stalked towards him and stopped, just inches away from his face.  "Matt is leaving and we might not see him again and neither you nor Steve seem to be trying to get him to stay. You haven't said one thing that could help him. He's our friend and he's fucking leaving. Do you not give a shit?" 

"Of course we give a shit!" 

Bucky's fists were clenched at his sides, aching to punch.

"Guys, quit it," Matt shouted to the both of them.

"No, you don't! You'd make an effort if you did!"

Before he knew what he was doing, Bucky took a step back and punched Clint in the face. Clint stumbled back and shook his head and wiped his mouth, which was bleeding.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Clint snarled.

The two teenagers stood a few feet away fro m each other, balled fists at their sides, ready to break for each other at any moment.

However, it never happened.

From the hallway came a wheezing sound. It started out faint but then became more and more distinct. The sound tore Bucky's eyes from Clint and his instincts kicked in. He broke into a sprint for corridor. He turned and saw Steve, on the ground with his back against the wall, trying to catch his breath. 

"Steve!"

He ran and fell to his knees and placed one hand behind the blond's back and one on his chest.

"Come on, buddy. Slowly, breathe in, breathe out." He directed.

Steve struggled for breath. Bucky told himself not to panic. Steve had asthma attacks more than he usually should and Buck always knew how to help him through it. All the boys did, but it was clear to everyone that if he was around, Bucky would be the one to help Steve and it never bothered any of them.

"Do you have your inhaler?" 

Steve nodded.

"Where is it?"

Before he could answer, Clint came rushing in holding Steve's inhaler. He passed it to Bucky who gave it to Steve. His hands were shaking so the brunet covered small frail hands with his own to steady the inhaler. He brought it to Steve's lips who took a inhaled deeply. Another. Another. Another. Finally, his breathing regulated and Bucky took the inhaler away and gave it back to Clint. He turned and walked back towards Matt's bedroom.

"Thanks," Steve mumbled. 

"Anything for you, pal."

"You're an idiot, by the way," Every word seemed to take all the effort Steve had right out of him. 

"And I'm pretty sure you should wait until you can actually breathe properly because insulting me," He joked.

This time Steve nodded and leaned his head against the wall. 

* * *

 

The first month of school was absolute hell. Sure, Bucky and Clint had resolved their problems but there still this mist of animosity between them. Lunch and recess was awkward and they rarely ever hung out outside school anymore. In November during lunch, Clint told them he was moving to Iowa. 

"What the hell are you gonna do in Iowa?" 

"I don't know but my mom's tired of the New York scene. I keep saying the woman's nuts."

That was just another blow to Bucky's last year of high school.

Two weeks after Clint left, Bucky and his family are sitting at the dinner table. It had been eight years since his father had been moved and Bucky was starting to think that maybe he'd never have to say good-bye to his father again. 

"I was talking to Jim today," George began, "and he was talking 'bout that Iraq war."

"I can’t believe that's still going on. It's been four years," Winifred shook her head in disbelief.

"He told me he's thinking of enlisting; doing his part in all that."

Winifred stopped eating and faced her husband. "Really? What does his wife think?" 

"Don’t matter what his wife thinks. I know he's gonna do what he wants to do."

"Poor Janet, and to their kids, too."

George's head was down. He rested his utensils on his plate then cleared his throat.

"I, uh, I think I might join him."

Winifred's fork hit the plate but no sound was made, not in Bucky's mind anyway. He saw Rebecca shout something but he didn't hear anything. His vision became fuzzy.  The only thing he could hear was the sound of his heart, which was rapidly increasing. He felt like he was going to faint. 

"You're what?" Winifred's voice was barely a murmur.

"Honey, I can't stand idly by when people are being murdered."

"Dad, you can’t leave. Not after all this time." Rebecca pleaded.

"James, Rebecca, can I speak to your father alone, please?"

"Whatever. This is bullshit." 

Rebecca rose from her seat so fast, her chair nearly fell over. Bucky almost forgot he had legs. He swallowed and got up and slowly walked up the stairs. His mind was still blank. His vision was still blurry. His heart felt like it was going to explode. He made it to top and began walking to his room. It was as if he was an autopilot; not in control of his body. Rebecca was in his room, on the cedar chest he had next to his window. she had her knees bent with her feet pushing against the wall she was facing. Her body was leaning against the window. She was sniffling.

Bucky walked over to his bed and sat at the corner, with his back to her.

"You-you think he's really go-gonna go?" She managed between sobs.

Bucky opened his mouth to say something but he couldn't find any words. He could hear his mother and father arguing from downstairs.

"What on earth are you thinking, George?"

"Win, you know as well as I do I can't just stay here on my ass when I can be saving lives over there!"

"What about Rebecca? Or James?"

"They know I love them and they'll understand why I need to do this."

"No, George. I don't think they will." 

"Yes, they will."

And then she asked the question that everyone dreaded.

"AND WHAT IF YOU DIED, GEORGE? How will any of us recover from that?" His mother's sobs were so gut wrenching, it made Bucky shake.

"That;s not going to happen," He spoke softly.

"I'm sorry, George, but that's going to be something that will always stay with me and I know it's gonna stay with the kids and it's gonna drive us crazy,"

"I have to do this, Winifred. I need to serve my country,"

"This isn't the fourties, George. You don't need to fight." 

He could hear his mother's footsteps coming up on the stairs. From his doorway though, she wouldn't see him. He prayed she wouldn't come around them and walk into his room. He closed his eyes and heard a door shut. His mother went straight to their room. He took a deep breath and forced himself off the bed. He walked over to Becca whose faced was drenched in tears. 

"Wanna go for a walk?"

Rebecca looked up at her older brother and nodded. He  took  her hand and helped her up. Bucky grabbed the ends of his sleeves and wiped his sister's face. She wrapped her arms around him and cried silently into his chest. He held his sister, rubbing his thumb up and down her back. They stayed there for a few minutes. She finally let go and they snuck out the back door. 

The stars were already out. Huge snowflakes fell from the sky. The lampposts made the streets seem like a scene from those romantic comedies where the couple walk on that beautiful night  thinking their lives couldn't get any better. On any other night, Bucky could say this was a beautiful evening . Not tonight. The cold reminded him of how he now felt inside. It reminded him of how empty this family would now be. This night couldn't get any worse.

Almost instinctively, they walked to the closest park and Rebecca sat on the nearest bench. She crossed her arms and put her head down. Bucky reached into his back pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He took a cigarette out and rested it in between his lips then lit it. Sitting down on the bench, he tossed his cigarettes and lighter on the table, accidentally hitting his sister.

"Shit, sorry."

She opened her eye then sat up, grabbing a cigarette from his pack and then lit it.

"What the fuck was that back there?"

Bucky didn't answer. He took a long puff of his cigarette.

"What? You're just not gonna say anything?" 

"What do you want me to say, Becca?" He snapped.

"How about 'Dad's being a fucking jerk ' or 'I can't believe after all this time he's leaving again'. Something, anything. You're always so goddamn talkative and now you won't say a word."

"No, Rebecca, I can't say any of that because I can’t accept that it's happening. It's not going to happen." With his eyes filled with tears, he continued, "He's gonna wake up tomorrow and think to himself 'What the fuck was I thinking? I can't leave my family behind'." Bucky's voice cracked on his last word.

Rebecca wet her lips and took a puff.

"I don't think that's what's gonna happen. I think tomorrow he's gonna wake and know that he needs to go." Her lips quivered and she wiped a tear coming down her face. 

Bucky didn't bother answering. There wasn't anything he could say that would change her mind. They both knew how their father was. There wasn't anything any of them could say to change his mind. Deep down, he understood how his father felt. He respected that his father was going overseas to protect his country, but there was also a part of Bucky  that resented him. His father could die, then what? Bucky would have to be the man of the house, keeping his family together and he knew he wasn't strong enough for that. He always counted on his old man to do that for him. 

"We should go back before one of them notice we're gone," Rebecca finally said, pulling Bucky from his thoughts.

They climbed off the bench and Becca started walking back. She stopped and turned around and saw that her brother hadn't began walking yet.

"Aren't you coming?"

"You go." 

"And what are you gonna do?"

He gave her a look as if to say, "where do you think I'm going?". She nodded and said, "Tell him I say hi."

"Be safe walking home." He told her, before walking in the complete opposite direction.

"You too."

It was a twenty minute walk to Steve's house, but Bucky was walking so fast he made it  in under ten. Maybe because he couldn't stand being alone with his thoughts. Maybe it was because of the cold. Maybe it was because he just wanted to be with  his best friend.

Yeah, he just wanted to be with his best friend.

Steve's house was small compared to the other houses on his street, but since it was only him and Sarah, it would be pointless to be living in a large house like Bucky had. One the floor at the front door was a welcome mat, which was typical with the Rogers. They were kindest people he would ever have the privilege of meeting. 

He knocked on the door and Steve called out, "Who is it?"

"I'm surprised you don't have a sixth sense and know when I'm here," Bucky joked.

"Usually I do," Steve answered back, before opening the door. "But I guess I'm just having an off night." 

"Yeah, that's makes two of us." He said under his breath.

Steve moved aside to let his friend through and closed the door behind him.

"Sarah here?" Bucky asked as he took off his shoes.

The blond shook his head. "She's taking longer shifts at the hospital."

"Bummer." The older boy strolled to the living room and collapsed on the couch.

"What's on your mind, Buck?" Steve sat opposite him on the sofa.

So, Bucky told him. He told him how one minute everything was right with the world, how they were just having dinner together and then his father dropped that bombshell. He told him how his mind went blank and how he couldn't think. He told him how he could hear his mother and father arguing and how he could feel his mom's heart shattering with every syllable she spoke. He told him about his walk with Becca.

"…  And now I'm here, telling you everything."

"I'm so sorry, Bucky." Was all Steve could say.

Bucky chewed on his lip, not knowing what else to say.

"Your parents know you're here?"

Shrug. "Don't know. They'll probably guess where."

"Yeah,"

Then silence fell. Both boys couldn't think of something to make this whole thing less horrible than it was. So, Bucky looked around the room he was in. There were pictures of Sarah, Steve and Joe; Steve's father, all over place. Some were hanging on the walls, others on shelves. Joe had died before Steve was born. He couldn't even imagine what that would be like, for his father to die. Well, actually maybe he could. 

"I was drawing before you came," 

"Oh yeah?" 

Steve smiled. "Yeah. I'll go get my sketchbook." 

He leaped to his feet and was off to his room for his sketchbook.

"Just random things. Nothing too detailed." He called from his room.

"Steve, I don't get you. Your drawings are probably-no, definitely the best drawings I've ever seen in my life and yet you're so harsh on yourself."

Steve let out a big laugh as he returned back to the living room. "I highly doubt that."

Bucky put his index finger to his heart and crossed on it.

"Cross my heart." 

Steve sat back down on the couch and gave his best friend a light shove before opening his sketchbook.

"You're a real pain, you know that?"

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Now, go on. Tell me what you were drawing."

"Well, like I said it wasn't anything too detailed," 

Steve flipped through various pages before settling on what looked like a man's face. Steve was always going on about details and details, wrinkles in faces or shades on buildings. The man Bucky was looking at almost looked like Steve. His hair was slick bad to the side. Gentle looking eyes that any woman could get lost in. Chiseled jawline and a smile so bright, it was fighting with the sun. 

"It's my dad," Steve announced before Bucky could ask. "I basically just looked at all the pictures we have of him in the house and kinda went from there."

"Stevie, this is beautiful, and you look just like him."

"Yeah, if my dad was ninety pounds."

Bucky let out a light chuckle.

"Buck?"

"Yeah, buddy?" The brunet turned his head to face Steve.

"It's gonna be fine. Even if your dad goes-"

"When," Bucky clarified.

"-when your dad goes, nothing's going to change. Yeah, maybe he'll be miles and miles away but it won't mean he'll love you any less. Doesn't mean he'll love your mom or Becca any less. Actually, it means he loves you guys that much more because he's fighting for his family."

"Damn, you Steve Rogers."

* * *

 Bucky left around midnight.

"I'm sure my mom won't mind if you stay over," Steve insisted as he opened his front door.

"That's okay. My parents are probably freaking out enough. I'll see you at school, 'kay?"

"Definitely."

Bucky gave Steve the biggest smile he could offer and hugged his best friend before stepping into the brisk cold night. Steve closed the door and walked off to the living room to grab his sketchbook. He then went down the hall and climbed into bed. Crossing his legs, he opened his sketchbook. The picture that stared back at him was a drawing of a brunet writing in a book. Steve did that often; draw Bucky while he was doing homework. His best friend  knew about some drawings but he had no idea how many Steve actually had.

The reason why was that he was embarrassed. Bucky had been his best friend since he could remember but having the amount of drawings that he had didn't seem like a normal friendship. Guys didn't have their best friend plastered on hundreds of sheets of paper. It worried Steve what Bucky might think. 

The truth was, Steve loved him and not just in best friend kind of way. There was always a hint of jealousy whenever Buck had a new girlfriend; which was a lot. 

They had just entered their teens when he had announced he was going out with some girl named Alicia. They had barely known each other for a week but her friends had gone up to him during lunch and asked if he would want to date her.

"She's like, the best," Her redheaded friend said.

"Totally," A blonde nodded her head.

"Um, sure," Bucky shrugged.

The girls giggled and ran off, no doubt going to tell Alicia the good news.

"Oh, man. I can't believe I was able to witness that," Clint laughed.

"Are things going to change?" Steve asked.

"Nah, you'll always come first, Stevie," Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve's neck and pulled him close.

"Ouch," 

"Oh, shut up, Clint."

But things did change. Bucky started hanging out with Alicia more which meant he was seeing less and less of the guys. Clint and Matt didn't seem that bothered, but it hit Steve  hard. Instead of hanging out at each other's place and doing homework, he was sitting alone in his room, sketching; his best friend god knows where doing god knows what. 

And it hurt. 

A lot.

It was always Steve and Bucky. The two of them against the world. Now it was changing. Granted, that relationship fell apart after two weeks but it was the beginning of a downward spiral.

Within two years, Bucky had dated over ten different girls. Each one lasting a little longer than the one before them. Those years were really tough on Steve, and that's when the amount of sketches increased.

One dame managed to wiggle her way into Bucky's heart and plant herself there for a full year. Steve never thought the pain could end. It was a relentless torture, like putting salt on an open wound. A wound that seemed to be fresh every single day. His heart breaking into pieces he could never glue back together.

The biggest issue was that she had the kindest soul. Bucky used to joke about them being the same person. It made the whole situation even more unbearable. He couldn't manage to hate her. She was perfect for him. She brought out the best sides of him. There wasn't one day where Bucky didn't feel like he was on cloud nine. 

And god, did it break his heart to see  them holding hands or smacking lips. He knew he couldn't expect his best friend to stay by his side and never find love, but Steve wished he was enough for him. He wanted to be able to get those smiles out of him, allow him to feel like all he ever needed out of life was a frail  blond  who would walk the ends of the earth to make him happy. 

It just wasn't fair.

"Steve, you'll never guess what happened."

He was sitting at a lunch table alone, doodling when Bucky approached him, beaming. Steve looked up and his eyes wandered back to his page.

"What's up, Buck?"

"You okay?" He sat opposite his friend.

Steve nodded.

"Okay, so, I'm at her house and-"

"Barnes you better not be gossiping without us!" Clint shouted at the end of the cafeteria.

Matt held onto Clint's upper arm and was trying to keep up with Clint's speed.

"Clint, can you just slow down a little bit?"

"No can do, Murdock. We got gossip to catch up on!" 

The rest of the way to the table was basically Clint dragging Matt. Matt was nearly out of breath as he sat down. Clint was laughing his ass off.

"All right, now that everyone's here, What's going on Barnes?"

Steve resumed his sketching, trying not to seem too eager to know what happened between Bucky and his girlfriend.

"Okay, so Becca and my parents were out for a few hours last night for parents meeting at her school, right?" 

"Go on."

"So, we're sitting in my room, fooling around a little and then one thing led to another and, you know," Bucky smiled.

"No, really?" Matt said, mouth slightly open.

Steve froze. He looked up through long lashes and s aw his best friend nod. All the color drained from his face and his chest began to tighten.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my boy is a man!" Clint proclaimed to the entire cafeteria.

Bucky threw his head back in laughter. "Jeez, Clint, the whole school doesn't need to know."

"I'm just messing around. Let me have my fun. "

"Your life revolves around the word 'fun'." Matt jabbed.

"Yeah," Clint chuckled, "my life's pretty great."

"Steve, you okay? You've been awfully quiet today." 

"Fine, Buck."

Steve didn’t say anything for the rest of the lunch period. Or any classes for that matter. When the school day was over, Steve went straight home. His mother was at work so he was alone when he arrived. He crawled into himself and tried to cry out the pain he felt in his chest.

He never told Bucky about any of it. He kept a facade at school and allowed himself to let go once he got home. At first, he was able to hide it from his mother. He'd cry while she was at work and put on a face when she got home. He'd be all smiles and laughs. But Sarah did catch him one day. She had finished early and wanted to surprise Steve. She heard sniffles and quiet sobs when she entered the house. He hadn't even heard her until she was sitting next to him in bed, stroking his hair.

"What's wrong, baby?"

Steve shook his head. He didn't want to tell her that the boy he's been in love with since he knew what love was and was happy with someone else. From what he heard about at school, boys liking boys was wrong. Boys were supposed to like girls. They were supposed to find a pretty girl, marry her and have kids. It's the way the world worked. 

And Steve tried. He tried hard. He looked at girls and wished he could feel something. Anything. Sure, he found some of them beautiful and way out of his league, but no one compared to how he felt when Bucky looked at him. 

That smile that made his heart feel like it was going to explode .

Those grey -blue eyes that Steve could spend the rest of his life staring into.

Everything about Bucky was perfect. And Steve hated himself for it.

He was going to spend his life knowing he could never truly be with the one who had taken his heart years and years ago. He'd go to his grave with it if he had to.

Things were different now, though. Bucky wasn't dating anyone and didn't seem like he planned to for a while longer. Steve's spirits were lightened, but only for a short time.

Halfway during Bucky's last year, Sarah was beginning to spend a lot of time at the hospital. Steve noticed that she was going passed the hours she should have been doing. He didn't point it out to her at first. Maybe she needed the extra cash for college or something. He left it alone. However, soon he began picking up on little things. She was starting to get nosebleeds without any trigger. They could be in the middle of supper and blood would start to drip down her nose. She insisted that it was just her body telling her she was being overworked but Steve didn't buy it. 

Sarah was also experiencing various fevers in small periods of time. It's all the people I'm treating at the hospital, she'd say. He knew that couldn't possibly be true because she had  been treating people for years and only recently had she gotten fevers. Steve was starting to become extremely worried. His mother was the strongest woman he knew and if she was getting nosebleeds and fevers, something was definitely wrong. 

On a Saturday night in February, everything fell apart.

Sarah and Steve were over at the Barnes' home for supper. They had been over a lot since George had gone off to war. Steve thought it was because Winifred needed the company. Becca was over at a friend's so it was just the boys and their mothers.

"James, have you thought about any colleges you'd like to attend once you're done?" Sarah asked.

Bucky shrugged. "I haven't really thought about it, to be honest. I'm kind of just taking it one day at a time."

"As long as you're happy, that's all that matters." 

Sarah smiled and then started gagging. Then coughing. 

"Mom?" Steve's voice was filled with worry.

He stumbled while getting out of his chair and placed one of his behind her back on the other on her hand.

"Are you okay?"

Winifred leaped to her feet to be beside Sarah. She continued to cough, and now blood was coming from her mouth.

"James, get the car keys. We're going to the hospital," Winifred's voice was shaking. 

Bucky bolted for the keys while Winifred and Steve helped Sarah get out of her chair. She felt like paper in Steve's arms. When had she become so light and thin? He was becoming increasingly more worried.

Bucky was already starting up the car by the time Winifred and Steve got into the driveway. They sat her down in the backseat next to Steve. He held her hand and prayed silently. Winifred jumped into the passenger seat and told Bucky to start driving. 

"She's going to be okay, Steve," Winifred assured.

Steve let a sad smile appear on his lips. He wished he believed what she was saying, but here was his mother, frail and losing consciousness.

"Honey, where are we going?" Sarah's voice was barely a whisper.

"The hospital, mom."

"I'm fine," She said followed by a cough.

"I know, but I just want to be sure," He kissed his mother's hand.

His heart was pounding the entire time. He just wanted his mother to be okay.

She  _needed_  to be okay.

Just as they pulled into the hospital, Steve was already helping his mother out of the car. Winifred jogged around to get into the front seat.

"Go with him," She told her son.

Bucky nodded and ran to help his best friend. Steve was already halfway up the stairs before he could catch up with him. He wrapped Sarah's free arm around his neck and helped her up. 

"We need a doctor!" Bucky yelled as the hospital doors opened. 

One of the nurses pulled a gurney out of nowhere while another one asked, "What happened?"

The nurse that brought the gurney shrieked. "Is that Sarah?" 

"Oh, dear god," The second nurse whispered.

As soon as Sarah was on the gurney, the nurses rushed her to the ER. Steve followed her closely. One of the doctors cut him off, held out his arms and began telling him to step back.

"It's Sarah's boy. Let him through," A nurse said sternly.

"I can't authorize that. We need to make her she's taken care of before letting family in. Please, have a seat and we'll address you as soon as we know what's wrong," The doctor's voice was calm, which Steve was anything but.

"I need to be with her!" 

"I'm sorry but those are the rules. Have a seat, please." The doctor's voice became stronger now.

"She's the-the only family I have. P-p lease take care of her," Steve's voice cracked in between sobs.

He felt like his knees were going to cave in any minute now. 

"We always take care of our own. I assure you," The doctor nodded and left behind the huge grey doors that separated his mother and him.

He sunk into one of the chairs and closed his eyes. He tried to regulate his breathing. Bucky sat down right next to him and took a deep breath.

"She's gonna be okay, Stevie. She's a trooper, just like you. "

But this time, Steve didn't believe him.  

"She has to be okay , Buck. My dad was taken away from me before I even met him, I can't lose her too."

"I know, Stevie."

After two hours of agonizing wait, the same doctor approached him, holding a clipboard. Steve was leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees with his head in his hands.   


"Steve?"

Steve looked up at him and jumped to his feet. Bucky followed suit.

"Yes?"

The doctor cleared his throat. Steve noticed that he was clutching the clipboard close to his chest and hard.

"You might want to sit down. "

"Doctor, just please tell me my mother's going to be okay. "

"I'm so sorry, but it's not good news ."

Steve's bottom lip began to quiver and he felt like his chest was on fire. Everything around him became cloudy. 

_ Breathe. _

_ One breath at a time. _

"Okay, what is it?" Bucky asked.

"Sarah, has, um," the doctor cleared his throat again, "she has leukemia."

_ She has leukemia. _

No. It couldn't be true. It wasn’t possible. They must have the wrong file. The doctor was reading the wrong file. There wasn't a chance in hell that his mom could have cancer.

Sarah Rogers.

His mother.

If Steve's heart felt like it was on fire before, it was a forest fire now. His lungs were bursting into flames, his hearing became indistinct. Tears began to swell in the corners of his eyes. He could see Bucky who was covering his mouth with his right hand, crying. 

Steve wanted to wake up. He hated his dream with every fiber of his being. What kind of cruel, sick dream was this? Dreaming that his mother had cancer?

He needed to sit down.

Taking a few steps back, he felt the chair hit the back of his knees. He collapsed  onto the hard plastic with his face in his hands.

"How far along?" He found himself asking.

"I'm afraid it's too late to treat it. She's already at stage four. Chemo would be of no use. All we can do now is wait."

Bucky scoffed. "'Sit and wait'? There's nothing that you can do? Nothing at all?"

The doctor opened his mouth to respond but Steve spoke before he had a chance to answer.  "Can I see her?" 

"Of course. Follow me," The doctor turned and walked back to those grey doors Steve thought could save his mother.

"Want me to come?" Bucky asked.

Steve shook his head. "I need to do this alone." 

"I'll be right here if you need me,"

Steve offered the best smile he could, which was hardly even a smile. He followed the doctor through the doors and down hallways. He remembered walking through these hallways millions of times. He was always getting sick. 

_ He _ was.

His mother was supposed to be the strong one. She was always taking care of him. It wasn't supposed to be the other way around.

The doctor finally stopped at one of the doors and ushered him inside. The room was small, like the ones he used to sleep in when he was sick. His mother was lying in bed, eyes closed. He approached her slowly, not wanting to wake her. If she really was sick, maybe enough rest could help her recover. 

He sat down in the chair he's seen his mother sit in hundreds of times and held her hand like she did. 

"Steve?" 

His mother opened her eyes slightly and turned her head to see her son. Steve smiled his hardly a smile.

"Hey, mom."

"I'm so sorry for this."

"Please, don't say that. It's not your fault."

"No, it is. I knew for a long time something wasn't right but I kept putting it off and putting it off. " Tears streamed down her face as she spoke. "I could have been able to keep you from all of this. Baby, I'm so sorry."

Steve was sobbing. He didn't bother wiping his tears because in seconds they were replaced with new ones. It was then when he realized it wasn't a dream. The pain he was feeling was all too real to be fiction. It was unbearable. Everything.

Soon, his mother was going to be taken away from him. The woman who taught him everything he knew. The person who taught him how to love. Who changed his diapers, fed  him, clothed him and loved him. 

Why couldn't he be in her place? 

"Mom, it's n-not fair," Steve sniffled.

Sarah cupped the right side of her son's face. Her hand was trembling.

"I know, sweetheart," She took a deep breath as a tear fell down her cheek.

"I need to take care of you."

"Oh honey, you don't need that burden. I'm here. There are plenty of people to help take care of me."

"Mom, I can't lose you."

"You will never lose me. No matter what happens, I'll always be here." She pointed her finger to his heart.

"I love you." His voice was barely a whisper.

"I love you too, baby." 

Steve and his mother fell silent. He kept his hand wrapped in hers and rested his head on their intertwined hands and sobbed quietly. She stroked his long floppy blonde hair and whispered that everything was going to be okay.

For the first time in a long time, Steve wanted to stay in that hospital for as long as he was allowed. He hated hospitals, usually, but now that his mother was there and it was the only place keeping her alive, he took back anything he ever said about the place. 

He heard a knock at the door and in the doorway was Bucky, Winifred and Becca. Winifred had tears streaming down her face and Becca was wrapped in her brother's arms. 

"Can we come in?" Winifred whispered.

Steve nodded. Sarah was asleep, no doubt from the exhaustion. 

"James told us while we waited for the OK from the doctor," She spoke as she approached them, "I'm so sorry, Steve." 

Steve pushed himself off his knees to hug Winifred. Becca was close behind. She held onto him so tightly, he thought he could passed out.

"It's not fair. It's not fair." Her voice was hardly audible over her sniffles.

Bucky wrapped his arms around the both of them and they stayed like that for what seemed like forever.

For the next three months, whenever Steve wasn’t at school, he was at the hospital. He wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. Every day got harder to leave her. He was terrified she might pass during the night and that he didn't have enough time. 

Enough time to tell her he loved her . 

Enough time to hug her. 

Enough time to thank her.

Enough time to say goodbye.

The clock was running out, he knew that but he couldn't accept it. He had to convince himself that she was going to get better so he didn't lose his fucking mind. And god did it feel like he was. Everything passing by him in a flash. His mother's cancer spreading faster and faster. It was all too overwhelming.

He hardly saw Bucky anymore, either. He was always busy too. Probably having something to do with his father. From what Steve saw on TV, the Americans were not winning the war and that caused everyone to be on edge.  Winifred passed by the hospital every week to check on Sarah. She brought flowers every single time. 

Late one night, Steve was reading some poetry to Sarah when there was a knock on the door. They both looked to the door and saw Bucky. He was standing with his hands in his pockets. 

"Hope I'm not interrupting."

"Darling, come on in," Sarah had a huge smile  on her face.

Bucky walked into the room and kissed her on the cheek.

"How are you feeling?"

Sarah took a deep breath. "I've had better days, but I'm okay."

Just as Bucky opened his mouth to speak, there was another knock. A doctor stood in the doorway.

"Steven? May I speak with you for a moment?"

"Sure, I'll be right back." He gave his mother a kiss on the forehead and followed the doctor down the hall. 

"The cancer seems to be spreading much quicker than we thought." The doctor paused for a few seconds. It  appeared as though he was trying to figure out how to say his next words. "I'm sorry but I don't think she'll make it till the end of the month."

This was the moment Steve was dreading. The moment the doctor would tell him her deadline. He always thought he'd have a few months to prepare, but this was just a two week notice. That wasn't any time at all. He was filled with so many emotions. Anger and guilt mostly. It was just too soon.

The last few months, he was almost able to forget that she was going to die. They had gone back to acting like it was just an other  day. They became closer than they were before; if it were even possible. But now reality was coming back. And it was coming back like a disease. Which it was.

"Since you're her son, we thought it best that you decide if we should tell her or not. You know her better than anyone and you could anticipate how she might react."

Steve shook his head. 

"No, don't tell her." 

"I thought so. Again, I'm so sorry."

"Thanks, doc."

The doctor walked away and now it was just Steve alone in the hallway. He shut his eyes and tried to stop the tears welling up. 

_ Deep breaths. _

He sniffled and wiped his face with his shirt. 

_ Deep breaths. _

On his way back to the room, he heard his mother and Bucky speaking. He stopped to hear.

"...I just don't know how to tell him," 

He missed the first part of what Bucky said. 

"It's scary. I know, but you have to. It'll only hurt him more if you don't."

"Sarah, he'll hate me."

"James, he could never hate you."

"What if that changes?"

Steve had heard enough. He walked into the room and his mother and his best friend stopped talking.

"Sorry about that,"

"It's okay, I was just about to leave. My mom will probably be wondering where I am by now." Bucky kissed Sarah goodbye. "See you soon, Sarah."

"Always great to see you, James."

Bucky turned his body to face Steve.

"Want a ride home?"

"That's okay. I'm gonna stay a little while longer."

"Honey," His mother cut in, "it's late and a school night. You need to get some sleep."

"Mom, I'm fine."

"That wasn't a suggestion." She smirked.

"Fine. Meet you down in five?"

"Sounds good." Bucky waved Sarah goodbye and was out of sight.

"I wasn't born yesterday, you know?" His mother pointed out.   


"I don't follow?" Steve furrowed his eyebrows.

"I know you were listening to what James and I were talking about. Not everything, but I know you heard enough to make you curious."

Steve chuckled because, of course his mom knew.

"I love you, baby." 

"Love you too, mama," Steve kissed his mother and went down to the front door to meet Bucky. 

He was waiting for Steve outside, smoking a cigarette. As soon as he caught sight of Steve, he dropped it and put it out with the heel of his boot.

"Ready to go?" 

"Yeah,"

They rode in silence. Neither of the boys seemed to be in a chatty mood. Steve spent most of the right wondering what his mother and Bucky were talking about. He wasn't going to bring it up, but he hoped his best friend would catch on and mention it himself. When Bucky pulled up to Steve's house, he sighed.

"Something on your mind, Buck?" 

_He knew something was wrong._  

"Um, yeah. Actually, I have something to tell you."

Steve raised an eyebrow.

"What's up?"

"Look, I know you're gonna get mad and believe me, I'm  fuckinglivid too but I understand why and-"

"You're rambling again. Seriously, just tell me what's up."

Bucky took a deep breath.

"Steve, I'm moving."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SIX MONTHS?? God, I am an asshole.  
> I've been trying to write his chapter since like three days after I posted the first chapter but I had writer's block and then I just couldn't write for months. BUT HERE IT IS  
> And I will be trying my best not to be a lazy shit in the future.
> 
> Okay, so there is a scene where a song plays so I linked it when it starts
> 
> And if there are any typos I am sorry, I was writing the last few parts at like 3am and I'm getting sick of this chapter and reading it and rereading it  
> I don't even know if I'm entirely happy with this chapter but if I don't post it now I probably never will and that would just make me awful(er)?
> 
> ANYWAY I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT  
> <3<3<3

 

 

 

"James!"  

"What?" Bucky yelled from his bedroom. 

"It's time!" His mother yelled back. 

Bucky groaned and pushed himself off his bed. He was tired of the weekly Skype calls from his father. Don't get him wrong, he was glad to hear that his father was okay, but he didn't have anything to say to him. The whole call was basically an awkward silence followed by smiles and goodbyes. He still resented him for leaving his family behind, but that wasn't really something he could say when his father could be killed at any time of the day.  

"And grab your sister!" Winifred called right when Bucky was at the end of the stairs. 

Moaning loudly, he stomped back up to get his sister. Her door was open ajar and he could hear a movie playing. Only poking his head through the crack, Rebecca was fast asleep. He could have woken her up, but she was never pleasant to deal with when her sleep was interrupted. Bucky thought it best to leave her sleep. He shut the door behind him. 

"She's sleeping," He said as he sat in the dining room. 

Winifred had the laptop in front of her. She glanced over the top to catch the sight of her son and rolled her eyes. 

"You know your father is very strict about these calls." 

Bucky was staring at his hands. He took a deep, irritated breath. "Then you wake her up."  

He could feel her staring at him. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye and saw her looking right at him. Her eyebrow raised as if to say "who do you think you're talking to?". She didn't say a word. Bucky heard the legs of the chair drag across the floor and his mother leaving the room. Before making her way to the stairs she pointed to the laptop, and said, "talk to him". Bucky rolled his eyes and nodded. He took his mother's seat at the table and waved halfheartedly.  

"Hey, Dad."   


George turned to the camera. As soon as he caught sight of his son, he broke out into a huge grin. "Son! How are you?"  

Bucky shrugged. "I'm okay, you?" 

"Never better. Is your mother almost back, yet? I have an announcement for you and Rebecca."  

He could hear his mother and sister walking down the stairs so he nodded. 

"Yeah, they're coming."  

"Fantastic." He clapped his hands.  

Rebecca rubbed her eyes and collapsed on one of the chairs. She leaned forward and rested her forehead on the cold wooden dining table.

"I'm here," She moaned, "what's up?" 

"Come on, sweetie. Make an effort, will you?" Winifred was standing behind Bucky, her hands holding onto his shoulders. 

Rebecca yawned and wrapped her fingers around the bottom of the chair as she scooted it along the floor to be in view of the laptop's camera.  

"Don't I have a beautiful family?"  

"Dad, why did you need everyone here at once for this call?" Rebecca asked. 

"I have good news!" He replied in a singsong tune.  

"All right. What is it?" Winifred inquired. 

Bucky had heard this story a thousand times. He was four when he first heard the "I have good news". "I have good news" started with, "my boss wants me to go to Washington for a few days" which evolved into a few weeks somewhere else. By now, Bucky didn't even listen to any of the "good news" announcements he made. His father left because of whatever and he'd come back whenever.  

"I'm extending my tour." 

He couldn't believe it. His father had put enough strain on his family by being overseas, and now he was extending his tour? How could he willingly put his family through more shit?  

Rebecca was the first one to break the silence. Bucky knew she was always against their father abandoning them, which she seemed to mention any chance she got. She didn't hate him, but she hated what he was doing. "It's not your fight," she'd tell him on almost every Skype call they had. Even though she didn't want to admit it, Becca was daddy's little girl, and she had had so little time with him because he was always away on business. Secretly, it was one of the things that Bucky disliked the most about their father. 

"Are you kidding me?" Her voice resonated throughout the whole house. Rebecca had one of those voices where if she was fuming, everyone within a two mile radius heard her.     


"George, are you sure this is something you want to do?" Winifred's grip on Bucky's shoulders tightened, and he kept himself from wincing in pain. 

The man on the other side of the laptop raised an eyebrow. "I don't understand. I thought you would all be happy for me." 

"Happy? Why, because you're not coming home?" Her eyes were fixated on her father. There was so much anger and resentment inside her and it seemed to be exploding the more she spoke. "Because Bucky's graduating high school in a few weeks and you won't be there to see him get his diploma?" 

"Because mom still cries at night because there's the possibility of you dying six thousand miles away from home?" Then a laugh escaped her lips. Except, it was a laugh that made your skin crawl. "No, Dad. We're all really happy for you." 

Pushing her chair so forcefully it fell to the floor, Rebecca stalked back up the stairs and slammed her door shut. For a few seconds afterwards, no one said a word. Rebecca had never yelled at her father before and seeing it all unravel made everyone question just how much anger she kept a lid on since George announced he was enlisting.  

"You two work this out. I'm out of here." Bucky threw his arms in the air in defeat and left the table.  

From the top of the stairs, he could hear Rebecca crying in her room. His heart dropped to his stomach. Rebecca was his little sister and no matter how much of a pain in the ass she was, he loved her with all his heart and hearing those sobs made him want to  march  to Afghanistan and punch his father in the face. She had been through so much in her small lifetime and it wasn't fair. Bucky knew that. 

Her door was opened slightly so he decided to take a peak. She was lying down on her bed, back to the door, sobbing. They were reliving what happened when his father first told them he was enlisting. How much more pain was he going to put them through before they finally cracked? 

Which, evidently, she already had. 

"Buck?" Rebecca's voice was hoarse from all the tears she had been shedding. She kept her back to him. 

"Yeah?" 

"I can't believe this is happening again." 

Finally, Bucky entered her room and closed the door behind him, not wanting either of them to hear the shit storm that was bound to happen between his mother and father. He climbed into his sister's bed and sprawled out on his back, throwing one arm behind his head to rest on it. Rebecca was shuddering and sniffling. Bucky closed his eyes and took a deep breath; one of those breaths that actually burn your lungs for how much you inhale.  

"What do you think's gonna happen?" Her voice was barely a whisper. 

He shrugged, even though Rebecca couldn't have possibly seen him. Another deep breath. He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't find anything to say. Bucky didn't have a clue as to what was going to happen. He couldn't see his family being able to handle so much stress. His mother was absolutely miserable without George. Rebecca was falling apart at the seams. It was all just too much. 

"I don't know." 

"You think mom's gonna agree to that?" 

"There's no way in hell that she would, but she knows it won't stop him." 

"Yeah, I know." Rebecca let out a deep breath. There wasn't much any of them could say that would help mask some of the pain. Bucky chewed on the inside of his cheek for a while, hoping Rebecca would say something. She didn't. Almost a half hour later, he could hear her breathing leveling out and came to the conclusion that she had fallen asleep. Slowly, he crept off the bed, and covered her with the duvet before retreating back to his room.  

He collapsed on his bed, burying his face in his pillows. A few groans escaped his body and the next thing he knew, he was dreaming of Steve. Breathtaking, box full of sunshine Steve.  

Bucky popped awake a few hours later. Using his right hand, he rubbed his eyes and then ran it through his hair. When his eyes adjusted to the lack of light, he turned his head to check the time on his alarm. 

3:47. 

Why the fuck did he wake up at quarter to four? There was no possible reason that he should be up right now. Tomorrow was Saturday, well technically today was Saturday which meant this was supposed to be one of the days he gets to sleep in. And he was awake at 3 fucking 47 in the morning.  

Coming to terms with his situation, he clumsily got out of bed and made his way to the kitchen. The stairs seemed to be extra sensitive to weight tonight- today? Whatever the fuck it was. They made a creaking noise every single step Bucky went down and he was mentally cursing every word he knew. When he finally reached the end of the stairs, he threw his arms up as if he had won the lottery. Now, he didn't have to be as quiet since every other soul in the house was upstairs.  

He rummaged through the cupboards, trying to some something simple to make. He grabbed some uncooked pasta and some tomato sauce from the fridge and set it on the counter. Then, ever so quietly, he crouched down and opened the cupboard to the pots and pans and took nearly five minutes trying to take a pot out of another pot without making a sound. Succeeding, he closed the cabinet and started to straighten himself out when out of the corner of his eye, he saw the shape of a person in the archway of the kitchen. Feeling the handle slide out of his grip, he grabbed it with his other hand and slung it over his shoulder, ready to smash the pot against the intruder's skull. 

"What is wrong with you!" Rebecca hissed as she threw her arms up in defense. 

Bucky let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding in and set the pot on the stove. Running a hand through his hair, he scoffed. 

"What's wrong with me? How about why the hell you're creeping and just staying in the doorway like a fucking ghost that's about to kill me!"  

"I literally _just_ got down here like two seconds ago," She walked passed her brother and propped herself up on one of the free counters.  

"Still, announcing your presence would have been appreciated." Bucky reached over to grab the pot but Rebecca beat him to it and handed it to him. He filled it with water until it was half full and turned the tap off. She had turned the ring on for him, so he gently put it down and walked over to the dining table and let himself collapse on one of the chairs. 

"What are you even doing up at this time?" He kept his voice low, not wanting to wake his mother.  

Rebecca shrugged then stared at her hands. "I just kind of woke up and then I heard some noises downstairs so I checked your room and when I saw that you weren't there, I knew it had to be you." 

Bucky nodded in agreement and rested his chin in the palm of his left hand. No one said anything for a few minutes. All they could think about was what their father was doing, but none of them had the courage to actually talk about it. There wasn't anything they could say. He was leaving, and not one person in their house could change that.  

Bucky could hear sniffling so he looked over to his sister, who had tears streaming down her face. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself off the chair and started for his sister. The second she saw him, her bottom lip started quivering and her eyes filled with water. Rebecca covered her face with her hands just as Bucky wrapped his arms around her. Her entire body was shaking and he could feel his shirt getting wetter and wetter.  

He just wanted her pain to stop. It was literally breaking his heart to see Becca that upset. She had always been the tough one out of the family. Almost never shedding a tear. There was a wall built so high, no one had ever been able to break it down, and she did a miraculous job of keeping it intact. Who knew it would be her father that would manage to rip right through it? 

"I'm sorry," She managed to say in between sobs. 

Bucky shut his eyes. Why on earth was she apologizing? 

"What do you have to be sorry for?" He whispered in her ear. 

Rebecca sniffled and gave the slightest shrug. She must have been exhausted from all the crying. A whimper escaped from her lips and Bucky held her closer, never wanting to let her go. He wished that the tighter he held her, the more the pain and suffering would consume him, so she wouldn't have to hold it anymore. He was the big brother. He was supposed to do all that he could to make his little sister feel better.  

The sound of boiling water finally made Bucky pull away. He reached over and grabbed the box of uncooked noodles and began emptying it in the small pot. Motioning it towards Rebecca, she knew he was asking if she had wanted some. She shook her head and a sad smile appeared on her face. Bucky grabbed a fork and began stirring the noodles around in the pot.  

"I know this is going to sound dumb as hell," He looked up and regarded Rebecca before continuing, "but everything is going to be okay. Even though it doesn't seem like that now, it will." 

His sister scoffed and then her eyes were staring at the floor. He didn't even believe a word he said, but it was the only thing left that he could say. "If he's survived this long, he can do it again." 

"But he shouldn’t. It's not his job." She said through gritted teeth. "The fact that we have soldiers out there anyway is dumb as hell." 

Bucky didn't wake until well into the afternoon. The sun broke through his curtains and was hitting him straight in the face. He squinted, trying to adjust to the gigantic star trying to blind him and moaned. He felt like shit. His head was pounding, his stomach threatening to throw the pasta from last night back up. Bucky turned over to lie down on his back and threw an arm over his face. He thought of not leaving his room at all. Just hibernate in his room until the day was over. There had to be some sort of food around his room. That would suffice for the rest of the day, surely. 

But something in his body told him that he needed to face the real world. Last night wasn't going to just disappear. Everyone needed to talk about it. Even if that conversation would end in yelling, which is most definitely would. Now that he had time to think by himself, Bucky understood his father's decision of extending. George wasn't necessarily patriotic but when he had the option of defending his country, of course he'd jump on the opportunity. Bucky had the same thoughts sometimes. Doing his part for the "good fight" but he knew he could never go through with it. His mother and sister barely make it by with George gone. Telling them he'd want to go to would destroy them, especially Becca.  

So no, joining the military wasn't an option.  

Scanning the floor for pants, Bucky grabbed a pair of black jogging pants and put them on. Fuck putting on a shirt. He opened his door something caught his attention. You could hear a pin drop for how quiet it was. Rebecca wasn't in her room, his mother wasn't either. Slowly walking down the stairs, he noticed no one was in the living room or kitchen either. No one was home. He checked the time on the stove. 

4:30.  

Okay, where the fuck was his family? 

As he contemplated if they had been kidnapped, he made himself a bowl of cereal and walked over to the living room. He sat down on the couch, Indian style, grabbed a pillow and rested the bowl on his lap. Unfortunately, Saturday was fucking boring to watch any show so he ended up watching some show about how tires were made?  

Finally, he saw a car pull into the driveway. His mom and sister got out and he internally thanked god they weren't kidnapped.  

"I see you with your phone every second of the day but god forbid you answer my calls," Rebecca scolded.

Bucky raised an eyebrow. "You talkin' to me?" 

Rebecca grabbed the closest pillow to her and threw it at her brother. 

"Hey! Watch it," Bucky leapt to his feet and took off in pursuit of his sister.  

Rebecca shrieked and ran up the stairs as fast as she could. She ran to her room and shut the door behind her, pressing her weight against it, hoping her strength would outweigh her brother's. Bucky let out a laugh so strong he had to hold onto the wall to keep himself from falling. 

"In what world do you live in where you think you're stronger than me?"   

"Hey, I've been learning kickboxing in gym class so I'd like to think I got pretty str-AH BUCKY!"  

Bucky managed to get the door open with barely a fight and within seconds, she was on the other side of her room, trapped. She had nowhere to go and that was Bucky's opportunity. He crouched and walked over to her slowly. Arms out in front of him waiting for the perfect moment to strike. 

"No nononononononn, BUCKY STOP DON'T DO IT." Rebecca yelled as she tried to protect herself. 

But her efforts were meaningless, Bucky managed to grab her legs and swung her over his shoulder. 

"Yeah, kickboxing my ass," He snorted. 

"If you don't let me down his instant I will have no choice but to wreak havoc on your entire existence!"  

"OUU I'm so scared." 

Bucky made his way down the stairs, completely ignoring Rebecca's efforts to get down. She slapped him wherever she could. She tried to bite him. She even tried kicking him in the nuts, with no luck thank god.   

"Rebecca, you are going to kill not only me but yourself if you keep squirming." 

"This situation wouldn't even be possible if you would just LET ME DOWN!" 

Winifred was laughing uncontrollably in the kitchen. Rebecca tried to hide her enjoyment but was unsuccessful. For a few moments, they all forgot what George had told them the day before. For just a few moments, last night had never happened. For a few minutes, George wasn't away in the Middles East, he was just out golfing or getting groceries. He'd be back in time for supper. 

Just as everything seemed to have lightened up, a ringtone went off on the laptop. Bucky's heart caught up in his throat. Rebecca froze and Winifred immediately stopped laughing. Someone who was once known for making everyone in the family happy was now making everyone on edge. Bucky crouched down and let Rebecca off his shoulder. Her eyes wandered off and fixated on the floor. Winifred cleared her throat and accepted the call. 

George looked awful. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was in a million different directions. Bucky came to the conclusion that he had had a rough night as well.  

"Hi, honey," George finally said. 

Winifred offered a sad smile in response. Bucky and Rebecca were out of the frame, but could still see their father. 

"Are the kids with you?" 

Bucky moved around the kitchen to face his mother at the other end of the table. He shook his head. 

Winifred sighed. "No, they're not." 

Bucky slowly pulled out a chair and sat on it. Rebecca walked over to him and sat on his lap, her face buried in his shoulder.  

"Okay good. I want to talk to you alone." 

His mother kept her expressions unreadable. One thing he noticed was she was always amazing at hiding how she was truly feeling. It seemed to be a common trait in all Barnes'.

"Do you remember when we were just two kids in love? A-And we used to dream of traveling the world together?" His father sniffled.  

He got a nod in response, but she was starting to crack. Her lip began quivering and she took a deep breath. 

"I'm sorry we never got to do that." 

"George why are you calling?" 

"Baby, I don't want to fight. I hate fighting with you and I'm so far away and I don't want to ever leave this video chat on bad terms. Last night I had one of the worst sleeps of my entire life and I don't ever want that again. Please forgive me." 

Winifred finally broke. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed. Head in her hands. Rebecca was by her mother's side in seconds. Holding her as she fell apart. No one spoke for ages. Bucky finally got up went straight up to his room, closing the door behind him. 

* * *

Slowly, Winifred began to accept her husband's decision. A part of her would always resent him, but despite it all, she loved him. And so did Bucky, and eventually so did Becca. Things around the household were still a little rocky whenever they Skyped but it got better over time.  

And then George dropped a bombshell. 

One that would change everything. 

And not in the good way. 

The three of them were sitting at the dinner table, waiting for the familiar ringtone of the incoming call from Skype to come on. No matter how much they fixed things, Bucky still dreaded every call. His leg bounced anxiously, waiting for his father to call.  

The chime made all of them jump slightly. Winifred fixed her hair, cleared her throat and waited for the call to go through. Bucky cracked his neck, trying to prepare himself for yet another awkward as fuck Skype call.  

'Hellooooo beautiful family!" George's voice roared through the speakers. Winifred smiled, a genuine full toothed smile. One neither Bucky nor Rebecca had seen in a while. It lifted both their spirits. 

Winifred turned the laptop to the two teenagers at the end of the table and they waved instinctively. 

"Hey, dad." Bucky tried to seem as enthusiastic as humanely possible. He was pretty damn good at it.  

'I have some exciting news." George announced, clearly trying to stay in his seat. 

"You always have 'exciting news'" Rebecca mumbled, using air quotes. 

"Becky this time," He paused. "is really good news." 

Rebecca rolled her eyes. "Fine. What is it?" 

"So, it turns out my commander is relocating me." He started. 

"Okay?"  

"And it's much closer to home than I thought."

Winifred burst into another full grin. It was like when a little kid wakes up on Christmas Day.  

"How close, George?"  

"California!" George exclaimed. 

"I don't understand?" Bucky finally spoke. 

"Well, James, that means I'll be back in the states. It turns out they have a base there where I can be less hands on than the other troops, and he said it's a once in a lifetime opportunity because they've found a house we can live in while I'm there!" 

"Whoa  whoa  whoa, hold it for a moment." Bucky said slowly. 'What do you mean, we?" 

"James, we'll obviously be moving there." George told him. 

"Dad, I like where we live now. Why should we have to move? You do see how ridiculous this is right, mom?" Rebecca protested. 

Winifred stayed silent. Both her children stared at her and looked for some reassurance. Anything that would help their case.  

"Kids, can I talk to your father alone, please?" 

"Mom, don't even think about it. Our lives are here in Brooklyn not California. It's completely unfair to-" 

"Rebecca!" Her mother snapped. 

Becca's nostrils were flaring, and her face turned red but she didn't say another word. She, as calmly as she could, pushed her chair back and went off upstairs. 

"James." 

Bucky kicked his chair back and followed suit. They went off to their bedrooms and Bucky plopped himself on his bed. How were they back here? Actually no, they weren't. They were in a whole different kind of fucked up.  

Bucky, leaving Brooklyn?  

_Leaving_ Steve? 

He couldn't even picture not seeing Steve's face on a daily basis. Oh god, how could he leave him with all that's going on with Sarah? It would break his heart. Just the thought of it was breaking his own heart. Steve was everything to Bucky.  

Steve.  

Bucky could feel his insides burning. He needed to stop this from happening. Without thinking, Bucky jumped off his bed, threw the door open and ran down the stairs. Without hesitation, he rushed over to his mother who was still talking to George and began speaking. 

"Dad, I am not moving. I'll find an apartment here and live on my own for all I care but I am not leaving Brooklyn. Mom can go with you, Rebecca can stay here if she wants but I am done following you. I’m gonna go to college here and live in a dorm or something, I just _can't_ leave," His voice broke as he finished. 

His parents were stunned. No one spoke for a while but Bucky wasn't going to back down easily. He stood as tall as he could and refused to show them any weakness. He was going to stand his ground. No matter how much they fought against him. 

"James," Winifred spoke softly. "You are moving to California."  

Bucky opened his mouth to protest but Winifred raised her hand to stop him. "You are moving to California." She paused between each word. 

Bucky shook his head quickly and bit his lip. "No, I'm not, mom."  

"James. You listen to your mother right now." George's voice came through the speakers. 

"How can you do this to me?" Bucky spat out.

"Stop being so dramatic." George rolled his eyes. 

"I'm not being dramatic!" Bucky threw his arms in the air. "I just don't understand why we always have to follow your fucking ass everywhere when you have done nothing for us!"    


"James!" His father yelled.  

Winifred jumped to her feet and slapped him across the face, hard. Bucky winced in pain but refused to show just how hurt he was.  

Winifred had never hit him before. All of his friends had once been hit by their parents and Bucky was always proud to say that his parents had never done such a thing. He couldn't imagine someone being so infuriated to the point where their only response was to hit their own child? Now, he could.  

"How dare you talk to your father like that?" Winifred shouted. "Your father has done everything he can for this family and you are to show him respect, you understand that?" 

The corner of Bucky's mouth curved into a dirty smile. Winifred's eyes burned into his. Which one would look away first? Bucky didn't want to back down but his mother was relentless. She never lost.  

"Buck, come on." Rebecca's soft voice cut through the tension and he finally pulled away from his mother's gaze. Turning on his heel, he walked over to his sister who was waiting at the bottom of the steps for her brother. She held onto his arm and guided him back to her room.  

He threw his face into her pillow and began screaming as loud as he could. The screaming turned to sobbing. He couldn't leave his hometown. He couldn't leave Steve. Bucky would rather die than leave his best friend.  

"Buck, we're moving."  

"No, we're not." Bucky spoke into the pillow. 

"Yeah, we are." Becca's voice was low. 

Bucky turned to face his sister sitting next to him. "Rebecca, I am not moving. I will fight tooth and nail to stay. I am not leaving." 

Rebecca nodded but she knew they were moving, no matter how much either of them fought, they were leaving and Bucky knew it too. It was only a matter of time. 

* * *

In the coming weeks, Winifred had been in touch with a few realtors for a house in San Diego. Bucky refused to acknowledge that they were moving. He was still convinced that, one night during dinner, his mother would tell them she had changed her mind. That Brooklyn was and always will be their home. Rebecca was still against it too but he could tell deep down, she was starting to get excited about moving to "The Golden State". The thought made Bucky sick.  

Actually, what really made him want to throw up was the realization that he was going to have to tell Steve. He was gonna have to tell his best friend, the boy he was in love with that he was leaving him. He was moving across the country. Bucky's whole body ached. Every day that went by, it just made this whole thing more fucked up. So many people had left Steve. His father, Matt, Clint and now the one person who had always said, "I'm with you till the end of the line, pal" was fucking off to another state because his parents wanted to? 

_ "Buck, can I ask you something?"   _

_ The two boys were sitting in Bucky's backyard, looking out to the swing set George had installed just after Rebecca was born. It was falling apart and none of the kids had used it in a long time, but it was almost like a fossil. A huge part of their history no one wanted to take down.   _

_ "Technically, you want to ask me two things because that was already one thing," Bucky teased and bumped shoulders with the smaller boy.  _

_ "Come on, Buck! I'm being serious."   _

_ "Okay, okay. What's up Stevie?"  _

_ "Remember when you saved me from hose bullies a few years ago?"  _

_ "How could I forget? Brock threatened my life that day." Bucky chuckled.  _

_ Steve smiled, but it wasn't the kind that Bucky was used to. He turned to his best friend and threw his arm around Steve's neck and brought him close to his body.   _

_ "What's up, buddy?"  _

_ "Why me?"  _

_ Bucky cocked his head to one side. "What do you mean?"  _

_ "Why are you friends with me?" Steve spoke quietly, as if he was afraid of the answer he was going to get.  _

_ "Steve, who wouldn't want to be friends with you?"   _

_ "A lot of people actually," Steve spoke like he knew that for a fact.  _

_ The brunet shook his head. "Well that doesn't make any sense to me."   _

_ "It makes sense to me."   _

_ "Steve, why are you talking like this?" Bucky pushed his hands off his knees and was on his feet in a second. He turned to face the  blond  in front of him.  _

_ All Steve did was shrug.  _

_ "No." He shook his head. "There's a reason why you're asking me these questions so tell me why."   _

_ "Because!" Steve shouted before shooting up to his feet to face his best friend. He was considerably shorter than Bucky and had to crane his neck to look at him in the eye. "Look at me! No one wants to be friends with a liability!"   _

_ "A liability? What are you talking about, Steve? You're not a liability!" Bucky waved his arms as he spoke.  _

_ Steve scoffed. "Yes, I am, Buck. I can barely run a block before running out of breath. I'm always in the damn hospital. I can barely do anything without exhausting myself. I can hardly do anything."   _

_ Bucky put his arms on Steve's shoulders and stared into two oceans. Steve averted his gaze but Bucky was set on telling him this while looking him in the eyes.   _

_ "Steve Rogers, you are the strongest person I have ever met and don't you dare shake your head at me. You are. You may think you can't run for a long time or that you always need help with something but you're wrong. You get into fights more than I have seen anyone get into fights and believe me when I tell you, I really do hate it sometimes. You get up every single time someone puts you down."  _

_ A small smile appeared on Steve's lips. He must have known how annoyed Bucky got.  _

_ "You fight for people. You fight for people you don't even know and that's so brave, Steve. So  what if you go to the hospital often? Who cares? I am so lucky to have you as my best pal."  _

_ "Yeah?" The  blond broke into a full blow grin._

_ " _ _Yeah, punk." Bucky lightly brushed his hand across Steve's face. _

_ "I am too, Buck."  _

_ "And we’ll always be there for each other."  _

_ " 'Till the end of the line?"  _

_ " 'Till the end of the line, pal." Bucky pulled his best friend in for a hug and he could feel his heart skip a beat.  _

Bucky was lying down on his bed, arm draped over his eyes while [Pink Floyd](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXdNnw99-Ic) played quietly from the speakers of his radio. 

Gentle strums of a guitar resonated through his room. He allowed himself to get lost within the song, trying to forget everything that was going wrong in his life. Forget that he was leaving the one person he loved most in the whole. Forget he was leaving everything he ever knew just because his father was getting shipped somewhere else. He loved his parents so much but he hated what they were doing. Bucky didn't give a fuck if they way he was acting was over dramatic, he loved Brooklyn because Brooklyn meant Steve and that's all that really mattered.  

_ So, so you think you can tell, Heaven from  He - ee-ll , blue skies from pain  _

Steve's eyes.  

A crystal blue that the sky couldn't possibly compete with. Seeing those eyes clouded by tears that Bucky was inevitably responsible for.  

_Can you tell a green fie-e-ld from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?_  

Bucky shut his eyes hard, feeling the tears race down his cheeks and wetting his forearm. Steve was the most important thing in his life and he would have to say goodbye.  

Goodbye.  

Bucky hated that word so much. He had said goodbye to too many good people within the last few years and one more could kill him. 

No, it would kill him. It would rip him from the inside and slowly bleed him out.  

Drums started, the song picked up a little and so did Bucky's heart. Steve, the frail teenage boy who had been dealing with hardships his whole life, was about to get hit with a bombshell.  

_ Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?  _

War. 

Who knew that it would ruin his life even when he wasn't on the front lines? 

_ How I wish, how I wish you were here.  _

God, he just wanted Steve with him. Bucky wanted to feel his lips on Steve's. He wanted to know how he felt against his own body. Steve had probably never kissed a girl before but Bucky didn't care. He'd take pride in knowing he's all Steve's ever had. Sometimes, he'd wish he had waited too. Maybe, just maybe, all they would ever need was each other.     


But that was never going to happen, now.  

_ We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,   _

_ year after year,   _

_running over the same old ground._  

A knock to the door finally pulled Bucky out of his thoughts. He didn't bother checking who it was, he knew it would be Becca. She was the only one who bothered to come to his room anyway. His mother knew Bucky didn't want anything to do with her just yet. He would sit at the dinner table, listening to her and Rebecca make small talk about school or whatever and as soon as he was done eating, he'd excuse himself and retreat back to him room. He didn't care if it was rude or disrespectful. He was hurting so much. Winifred didn't push him either. She let him grieve (was that what he was doing?) maybe. His life with Steve was ending after all. 

Rebecca closed the door behind her, turned off the radio and sat at the end of the bed, her legs crossed in front of her. Neither of them spoke for a while. He knew his face was damp so she must have known he was crying.  

"Buck..." Her voice was low, comforting. 

A small sob escaped Bucky's lips but Rebecca didn't move. She let out a small sigh and continued. 

"Buck, you have to tell him soon."  

"I can't," His voice was hoarse. 

"You can and you have to. The longer you delay it, the more it will hurt the both of you." 

Realizing he wouldn't be able to escape this conversation, Bucky finally sat up and pushed himself up to his backboard, crossing his feet. He stared at his hands, trying to find the words he'd kept to himself for over ten years. 

"I love him." His voice was barely a whisper and if Becca hadn't been waiting for him to speak, she wouldn't have heard it. 

The moment the words were out, Bucky slouched and tears pooled from his eyes. He was tired of hiding it. He was tired of having this secret, this burden weighing over him. He loved Steve Rogers with every nerve ending in his body. His heart sped up every time they were together and when they weren't, Bucky's body craved his touch. Steve Rogers was all Bucky wanted and needed. 

"All the more reason to tell him. You can't keep this from him any longer." 

"Becca, I can't tell him. I don't know who's gonna be more broken." 

"Buck, I will tell him myself if you don't." Her voice was stern, almost scolding. 

Bucky glanced at his alarm clock. Steve would most likely be at the hospital. But what kind of friend would he be if the moment he chose to tell him he was moving was under the same roof that his mother was gonna die in?  

"You should tell him tonight. If I'm hearing correctly, mom's almost already found a new house." 

"How can she have found a new house without visiting it yet?"  

"I'm pretty sure she's going this weekend," 

"Fuck." 

Rebecca reached over to grab her brother's hand. 

"Tell him, tonight. For both your sakes." 

Bucky squeezed Becca's hand before leaping to his feet and taking the stairs two at time. He grabbed the car keys on the table in the foyer, slipped on his shoes and was out the door in record time.  

The drive there was the most Bucky had been nervous in almost his entire life. Oral presentations had nothing on how he was feeling. His hands shook on the steering wheel. His left leg bounced uncontrollably. He kept running a hand through his hair. A few times at a red light he contemplated turning the car around and going back home, but Rebecca would be disappointed so he continued. Since when was he scared of his little sister? How the tables had turned.  

Bucky pulled into the hospital parking lot and parked in a spot that was pretty far from the entrance. He figured the walk there would help calm his nerves. He turned the car off and unbuckled the seat belt, but he didn't move. He sat with both hands on the steering wheel, his heart beating in his throat. Closing his eyes, Bucky tried to take a few deep breaths. The last thing he wanted to do was have a panic attack.  

"Fuck it," He whispered to himself and finally opened the driver's door. Closing the door behind him, he leaned on back door and pulled his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. As soon as he lit it, he calmed down. He hated what cigarettes had the power to do but fuck did they make him feel better sometimes. Steve hated it to so Bucky made sure he would never smoke in his presence. The guy did also have asthma so it would be just cruel to do it with him around. 

Bucky smoked the cigarette a lot faster than usual and butted it under his shoe. Come on Barnes, just tell him. 

Sarah's room was on the third floor of the hospital. Bucky had visited so many times, he could probably get to her room with his eyes closed. When he approached her room, he could hear Steve's voice. He was reading one of Sarah's favorite poems. 

"...She turns and looks a moment in the glass, hardly aware of her departed lover; her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass: 'Well now that’s done: and I’m glad it’s over.'" 

Bucky leaned against the wall and allowed himself to listen to Steve's beautiful voice. Cigarettes could calm him down, but Steve's voice could make Bucky melt. Nothing compared to Steve's voice.  

No, nothing compared to Steve. 

But listening to him read poetry wasn't what Bucky had come to do. So he mustered up the strength to push himself off the wall and knock on the door. Sarah and Steve both looked up at him as he stood there, hands in his pockets.  

"Hope I'm not interrupting." His voice was low. 

God, he really hated himself. 

"Darling, come on in," Sarah gestured for Bucky to enter. He always loved when she'd call him darling.  

Bucky leaned down to kiss her cheek. She was starting to look more and more sick. Bucky could guess how many days she had left.  

_ Days.  _

But that didn't stop him from asking her how she was.  

"I've had better days, but I'm okay."  

Before he could say anything else, a doctor appeared in the doorway and asked for Steve. He excused himself and now Bucky was alone with Sarah. He sat down in the chair Steve  sat in  and let out a deep breath. 

"What's wrong, James?" Sarah's concern was shown in her face and her voice.   

"Sarah, I have something to tell you and Steve and I just don't think I can handle telling either of you." 

"You're moving, I know." A sad smile was on her face when Bucky looked up at her. 

"How do you..." 

"Your mother came by yesterday and told me." 

Of course his mother would tell her. Winifred would visit four or five times a week. Why would she leave Bucky to tell them both the news? 

"And no, I haven't told Steve if that's what you're wondering. I'm pretty that if I had, he would have confronted you about it." Sarah let out a chuckle before coughing. Her lungs just weren't able to handle it anymore. Bucky reached over and brought her the glass of water that was on the nightstand.  

"Thank you." She whispered before taking a sip. 

"How could this happen? I mean, this sucks." 

"I know, sweetheart." Sarah extended her hand to place it over Bucky's. 

"It's just not fair because Steve is this  saint and he deserves the absolute world  and I'm ruining everything and I just don’t know how to tell him." 

It hurt so fucking much. More than Bucky's ever been exposed to. 

"It's scary. I know, but you have to. It'll only hurt him more if you don't."   

"Sarah, he'll hate me."  

He would.  

Steve would resent him for leaving and Bucky wouldn't blame him at all.   

"James, he could never hate you."   

"What if that changes?" 

Steve appeared out of nowhere and Bucky pretended like they didn't just have a conversation about Bucky leaving the fucking state.  

"Sorry about that," Steve spoke. 

"It's okay, I was just about to leave. My mom will probably be wondering where I am by now." Bucky kissed Sarah goodbye. "See you soon, Sarah." 

He decided to make a mental list of the things he needed to do before he left.  

1\. Tell Sarah goodbye  

2\. Tell her that he was in love with her son. 

"Always great to see you, James."   

Bucky turned his body to face Steve.   

"Want a ride home?"   

"That's okay. I'm gonna stay a little while longer."   

"Honey," Sarah scolded. "It's late and a school night. You need to get some sleep."   

"Mom, I'm fine."   

"That wasn't a suggestion." She smirked.   

"Fine." He turned to Bucky. "Meet you down in five?"   

"Sounds good." Bucky waved Sarah goodbye and walked out the door. 

So Sarah knew. Winifred had done her part and now he had to do his. It was his responsibility to tell Steve he was moving. No one else's.  

Fuck it, he was having another cigarette. Quickly pulling out a cigarette from his pack and lighting it, Bucky took a look drag, longer than he should have. It didn't calm him down at all.  

Fuck  fuck  fuck  fuck  fuck  fuck

Bucky unlocked the car and climbed into the driver's seat. Turning the car over, he drove to the front entrance and waited for Steve to arrive. He was leaning on the hood when he caught eye of him. Throwing his cigarette on the ground, he stepped on it with his shoe before walking around to the driver's seat. Steve climbed in and sat in silence. 

No one spoke the whole way home. Bucky fought with himself on the way. When was the right time? At a red light? While he was on the highway? None of them seemed appropriate. Every now and then he'd look over and Steve would be looking out the window. Bucky began to think of never telling him at all. What a fucking cop out.  

No, he had to tell him. 

When they pulled up to Steve's house, it was him to broke the silence. 

"Something on your mind, Buck?" 

Yeah, I'm leaving you. 

"Um," Bucky hesitated. He could feel his hands sweating so he gripped the steering wheel even harder. "Yeah, actually, I have something to tell you." 

"What's up?" 

Bucky could swear he wasn't breathing anymore. His heart was beating so fast but he could wear he wasn't fucking breathing. Looking at Steve, trying to pull whatever he had to say out of him, it was suffocating. 

"Look, I know you're gonna be mad and believe me, I'm fucking livid but I understand why and-" Bucky rushed. 

"You're rambling again." The corner of Steve's mouth curved into a smile. Ugh, how he wanted to feel Steve's mouth on his. "Seriously, just tell me what's up." 

This was it. 

It was now or never. 

Fuck never. He had to tell him now.  

Bucky took a deep breath.  

"Steve, I'm moving."  

If Bucky could die right now, he would. He would love to accept death and avoid the look Steve had on his face.  

"You're moving?" 

"Yeah." 

"You're moving." Steve was looking anywhere but in Bucky's direction. Bucky could feel the tears threatening to cloud his vision but he didn't care. This was Steve and Steve knew every single vulnerable part of him. 

"When?"  

Bucky was thrown off by the question. He had expected why or where or how could you leave me but when?  

"Um, I'm not sure. Soon I think?" 

Steve didn't say anything for a while and Bucky didn't press him. He waited for Steve to blow up, to yell at him for leaving, anything. And Bucky would take it. He deserved every single hateful thing Steve could say. 

"Well, Buck I'm really tired. Can we just talk tomorrow or something?" Steve exited the car door and gave him a small wave before walking into his house.  

Bucky was in complete shock. What had just happened? He was going over that conversation in his head for weeks and not one of the possibilities of it was where Steve would walk away without having an opinion about it. Had he misread any kind of bad news Steve had gotten and Bucky was just creating a false situation? No, Steve had sobbed when he found out Sarah had cancer. But that was different. Sarah was Steve's mother. Bucky was, 

his best friend? 

Bucky drove home, wondering if their friendship meant the same to Steve as it did to him. 

That weekend Winifred flew out to San Diego, leaving Rebecca and Bucky alone. His mother had already began packing things. Little things, but things nonetheless. Bucky wanted to take all the packed boxes and empty them. He was reminded of when Matt was moving and Clint had done just exactly that. It seemed silly, thinking that that simple notion could stop someone from leaving but it seemed acceptable in this situation.  

"If you start unpacking, it’ll take mom twice as long."  

"And I care why?" Bucky said, unpacking the cleaning supplies and putting them back under the sink. 

"Well then, mom and dad will have to pay the moving company more to put them on the plane on a different day and believe me, dad will not be a happy camper."  

"Again. And I care why?" 

"Bucky! Stop acting like a fucking child and start acting like an adult!" Rebecca hadn’t raised her voice to her brother like that since he had stolen one of her dolls when she was eight.  

Bucky nodded and proceeded to put the cleaning supplies back in the box.

"Why don't you go visit Steve or something?" 

Steve? He hadn't spoken to him since the night Bucky told him he was leaving. Bucky had stopped by the house the next day when he knew he wasn’t at the hospital but no one answered. Why didn't Steve want to see him? 

"Um, nah I think we both need some space right now. Why aren't you spending time with your friends? We are leaving in, what?" Bucky looked at his wrist, pretending there was a watch. "Like a week or something." 

"Well, I know we're waiting till your ceremony." 

"Yeah, which is next week." Bucky deadpanned. 

"Did you even apply to any colleges?" 

"Who are you, mom?" Bucky snapped before walking over to the sink, turning it on and washing his hands. 

"Don't snap at me just because your boyfriend's ignoring you."  

"Steve is not my boyfriend," He said through gritted teeth. 

"Well he's bound to be, anyway."  

"Well, we're kind of moving Beck, so how the fuck's that supposed to happen?" Bucky said a little louder than he intended. 

Rebecca took a step back, giving her brother the space she knew he needed. She held her hands up in surrender. 

"Okay, you got me there. I'll just go study or something." She turned on her heel and was out of sight. 

Bucky knew he shouldn't have yelled at her. He was just angry. Angry at his parents. Angry at Steve.  

How could Steve ignore him? Bucky was fucking leaving soon and his best fucking friend was ignoring him. But he wouldn't go crawling back to him. He'd wait for Steve to come to him.  

Winifred came back the next day, a huge smile plastered on her face.  

"Kids, we have a new home!" She exclaimed as she came through the door. 

Bucky and Rebecca were sitting on the couch, her head resting on his chest. Rebecca went over and greeted their mother. She grabbed her bags and went upstairs to the master bedroom. Winifred turned to her son who, as soon as they caught eyes, turned his gaze back to the TV.  

"James, how long are you going to act this way? You can't hate me forever." 

"Or me."  

Bucky recognized that voice. He turned his head towards the front door and there stood his father. George had on army clothes and looked huge. Being in the army clearly beat him into shape. Winifred kissed her husband and walked off to the kitchen. Bucky was frozen, sitting on the couch.  

"Mom, I didn't know where you wanted me to put the suitcase so I- DAD?" Rebecca shouted as she strolled down the steps.  

"Come here, sweetie!" George extended his arms in front of him, waiting for his daughter to jump into his arms. 

Rebecca did not disappoint. She tackled him, squeezing her arms around as much of him as she could. It had been too long since she had held her father. Rebecca needed that.     


Bucky, during all this commotion, finally got off the couch and was now standing in the middle of the living room, his muscles refusing to let him move. He had missed his father so much but seeing him there just reassured him that them moving was a reality. George wouldn't have come home if they weren't. Bucky desperately hoped that every morning he'd wake up and the phrase "we're moving" wasn't true.  

"I missed you so much, baby girl." George spoke softly in Rebecca's ear. 

Finally, Rebecca let go of her father and it was Bucky's turn to face George. George looked sympathetic. Like he knew this move was him. Bucky's jaw was clenched as he continued to stare at him.  

"James, I know you're mad about us moving but I think you'll love San Diego." 

Bucky took a few steps and wrapped his arms around him. He might have hated his father at the beginning of all this, but he still loved his father to death and nothing would change that. Winifred had come up next to Rebecca and pulled her arm over her daughter's shoulder. Bucky held out his arm and they joined. It was the first family hug they shared in a long time.  

"I'm sorry, James." Winifred whispered. 

"Mom, don't be sorry." He whispered back. 

"I missed this," Rebecca managed to say. 

  


The next few days went by smoothly, the family had gotten in the rhythm of packing a little bit every day. George had already shipped most of the furniture out by Wednesday. It was getting harder to live when there wasn't really anything in the house besides their bed and a box of the clothes they'd wear over the next two or three days but with everyone in high spirits, they made do.

Well, not Bucky but that was obvious. 

Their flight was on Saturday at some ridiculous time in the morning. And tomorrow, Bucky would be graduating high school. What he didn't expect was that his whole family would be here. His dad, would be there. It almost seemed like everything was falling into place, except one thing. One person. 

Steve still hadn't contacted Bucky. It was going on nearly a week since they last spoke, and that had never happened before. They could argue for hours but they'd still be speaking the next day. Bucky hated it. He couldn't leave on bad terms. It wasn't an option.  

So Wednesday night, Bucky phoned the hospital.   


"Brooklyn Hospital Center, how may I help you?"

"Hi, my name is James Barnes and I come by a few times a week to visit Sarah Rogers." 

"Hold on a minute, let me just check that," Bucky assumed the receptionist was checking the computer for confirmation. "Ah, yes Mr. Barnes, what can I do for you?" 

"I was just wondering if her son, Steve had passed by today? Or if he's there right now?"

"He hasn't signed in today."  

"Perfect, okay I’ll be passing by soon, could you call this number if he happens to pass by?" 

"Um..." The woman hesitated. 

"Please?" Bucky begged. 

"Oh, all right."  

"Thanks a billion!"  

He closed the phone and took the stairs two at time before bolting out the front door. He drove a little too fast but he didn't care. He needed to see Sarah before Steve came by. Bucky pulled into the parking and parked the car like one of the assholes he complained about all the time but fuck it. When he got to the third floor, he signed in and went to Sarah's room. He knocked lightly on the door with one of his knuckles. Sarah turned her head and smiled.   


"James." Her voice was weak and she looked horrible. Her skin was turning yellow, all her hair was gone and she was tiny. Not even Steve tiny, but just skin and bone. Sarah looked like she was vanishing into thin air, but then again, that is what she was doing, right?

Bucky sat in the chair next to her bed and brought it closer to her.  

"How are you?" 

"They say I only have a few days, you know?" Her voice was almost inaudible but he knew she was trying her hardest.  "But I feel like I'm ready. Is that horrible to say?" 

Sarah had always been strong. She had to be. Raising a child who was constantly in the hospital for one reason or another and having to deal with that alone forces you to fight. She was the strongest person he knew and it was just cruel that she was going out like this. 

Bucky shook his head, a tear fell from his eye and he wiped it with his finger. 

"Because I should be fighting to stay, right?" Her voice began to crack. "My baby boy is going to live the rest of his life without me and I should be mad, but I'm not. That makes me a horrible mother." 

Bucky's lip was quivering. "No, Sarah, it doesn’t." The tears were coming down now and not stopping anytime soon.  

"I'm sorry for laying all of this on you."  

"Sarah, you need to stop apologizing."

Her chapped lips curved into a smile.   


"Steve tells me you're graduating tomorrow." 

Bucky took a deep breath before answering. So Steve remembered he was graduating, and he told Sarah. He was still talking about him even if he wasn't speaking to Bucky.

"Congratulations, James. You've earned it." She squeezed his hand as much as she could, which was barely more than the touch she offered him before. 

"Sarah, I have a confession." 

Her eyes were closed but he knew she was listening.  

"Hmm, I know, sweetheart." 

Bucky knit his eyebrows together, even though Sarah couldn't possibly have seen him. 

"I've known for a long time, but I thought it best to leave you to figure it out." 

The brunet smiled and then a laugh escaped his lips, a laugh he'd needed to let out for a while. A weight had been lifted off his shoulders. A weight he'd been carrying for longer than he can recall. 

"How did you know before I even knew?" 

"I'm a mother. It's my job to notice these things." 

All these years Bucky had loved Steve and he didn't know it, but Sarah did.  

"What do I do?" 

"Darling, that's all up to you."  

"I'm moving." 

"I know, and that doesn’t make things easier, but you both are destined to live together, whether that's as best friends or not. You'll find your way." 

"What did the world do to deserve you." He mumbled.   


"I'm no one special, James." 

"You are. You and Steve are like angels compared to everyone else." 

They fell into a comfortable silence. Sarah's machines beeped, showing her beating heart. Bucky tried not to imagine that machine being anything but steady but it was wishful thinking. Sarah was his second mother and she was being taken away from him and Steve in the cruelest way possible. She was decaying before their eyes. She was dying the slowest of deaths and Bucky opted that if there was a god, he'd curse at him for taking Sarah Rogers away from the world. He's curse at him for making Steve, the boy with the biggest heart and soul Bucky had ever seen in one tiny person, limited by his disabilities and he'd curse at him for forcing Bucky to leave.

"James," Her voice was soft, too soft for this horrible world. 

"Yes?" 

"Promise me something." 

"Anything." 

"Promise me no matter how hard things get, you'll keep in touch with Steve. There haven't been many people in his life who have seen him as more than just a sick boy and I need to make sure that those who care for him don't leave him. He can't live this world thinking people don’t respect him. I won't have it." Sarah was sobbing, but she pushed through. 

"And you have been undeniably kind, James. You have such a kind soul and you empower him and I thank god every day for your existence James Barnes. I do. I don't know how Steve could have made it through these years without you. You're his rock and-" She began coughing, not a dangerous cough but still one that made Bucky wince. 

"Steve will be here soon. You're more than welcome to stay," 

"No, I think he needs all the time with you alone as he can," 

Sarah nodded and shut her eyes once again. 

"I'll see you soon, yeah?" Bucky tried to sound as hopeful as he could, but he knew this was the last time he'd see her. In a few days, Sarah Rogers would be nothing but a memory.  

"Goodbye... Bucky." That was the first she ever called him 'Bucky'. She would never get to say it again.

Bucky walked out of the room, tears streaming down his face but a small smile on his lips.  

The next morning, Bucky prepared himself for graduation.  

Gradu-fucking- ation . 

He had been waiting for that since he first started middle school. Six years of absolute torture was about to end. He had two hours before the ceremony started. His stomach growled so he hopped out of bed and started for the stairs.  

"HAPPY GRADUATION JAMIEEEEEE" Rebecca yelled when he reached the final step. 

Bucky's heart almost leapt out of his mouth. 

"WHAT THE FUCK REBECCA?" 

"James! Watch your language!" His mother scolded. 

"With all due respect Win, she did scared the living shit out of him." George pointed out. 

"Yeah, thanks dad." He said before pulling Rebecca into a bear hug. 

"Ugh, Buck let me go!"  

"Hell, nope. You scare me, I hold on to you. That's the unspoken rule." 

"You're so annoying." She mumbled into his chest. 

"Yeah well you are too." 

"What time do you need to be at the hall, dear?" Winifred asked. 

"Around 2:30." Bucky said after releasing his sister. 

"Okay, so hurry and eat because you've got less than an hour." 

"Don't worry, ma. I just gotta fix my hair and I'll be good to go. I already got my outfit planned out." 

"I can't believe my baby's graduating." 

"Ma, I'm not a baby anymore. 

"You'll always be a baby in her eyes, son." George cut in. 

 

Graduation went smoothly. No one tripped, no one fell. Bucky got up, accepted his diploma, shook hands with the principal and blah blah. There was a small cocktail party going on the in the reception so his family stopped by to say hi to some of Bucky's teachers and classmates parents'. Some of Becca's friends were there so they hung out at a table, talking about San Diego and how she promised to back and visit. It was a great going away party except, Steve wasn't there. A few hours into the party, Bucky had had enough.  

"Dad, you mind if I borrow the car?"  

"Son, how are we gonna get home?" 

"Can you taxi home? Please this is an emergency."  

George looked to his wife. Winifred sighed.  

"Fine." 

Bucky kissed her goodbye and took off. Fuck waiting for Steve to come to him. Bucky was going to confront him, whether Steve wanted or not.  

He pulled up to the house and saw the lights on.  

Steve was home. 

Bucky got out of the car in record time and walked up to the front door.  

"Steve!" Bucky yelled as he banged on the door. No one answered. "Steve, I know you're home so do us both a favor and answer the door before I disturb your entire neighborhood!"  

Finally, he heard the locks turn and Steve opened the door. 

"What?" He stood his ground. 

Bucky pushed through him and walked right into the living room before turning around to face his best friend. 

"What is wrong with you?"  

Steve closed the door behind him. "What are you talking about?" 

"Oh, no. We are not playing this game." Bucky was shaking his head and pacing back and forth. "No, you are going to tell me what the fuck is wrong with you." 

"There's nothing wrong with me. There's clearly something wrong with you. You look like you're about to lose it." Steve kept his voice calm. 

Bucky let out a dry laugh. "Oh, you're fucking right I'm about to lose it. Do you realize that I'm leaving in less than 48 hours? OR better yet, that I graduated high school today? Yup, put on my gown with my fucking hat and got my diploma. Isn't that crazy? That happens once in a lifetime and it happened to me today. Isn't that fucking crazy, Stevie?" 

 Steve finally broke eye contact, he looked to the ground and Bucky used it to his advantage. 

"So you did know and you thought what? 'Nah, Bucky's been my best friend since forever but I don't need to go to his high school graduation'."

The younger boy kept his eyes on the ground. Steve was wrong and both of them knew it. However, Bucky wasn't done making Steve feel like shit for it.

"My dad was there." Bucky challenged.  

Steve looked up, brows furrowed. 

"Yup, left a few days early to watch me graduate. That made me feel pretty damn good, knowing my dad gave a shit." 

"Buck, that's-"  

"Why weren't you there, Steve?" 

The  blond  shrugged. He chewed on his lip and stared at his small hands. 

"Steve, we are not doing this. You talk to me." 

"Because I just didn't okay!" Steve threw his arms in the air and walked over to the kitchen, his hands pressing down on the island. 

"Because why, Steve?" Bucky shifted his body and was now opposite Steve, the small wooden space separating them. "What, you don't give a shit anymore because I'm leaving? Because you don't think I'm important enough to you to come to my graduation? Were you even going to speak to me before I left?" 

"Yes!"  

"Really? I have a hard time believing that since you haven't spoken a fucking word to me since I told you I was leaving!" 

"Stop! Just stop!" Steve slammed his fists on wood counter top. Usually, something like that would make Steve wince but the boy's expression didn't change. Bucky had never seen him this angry. Sure, he would always put up a fight when Steve was standing up to bullies but even then, the blond would wince and cry out. 

Bucky ran a hand through his hair and held his arms out, begging and pleading. "Give me some answers, Steve."

Steve squeezed his eyes shut. He was biting his lip so hard Bucky was sure he broke the skin. Shaking his head quickly, Steve looked to be arguing with himself. Like it would kill him to finally admit whatever he wasn't telling Bucky.   

So Bucky waited. 

And waited. 

But Steve didn't say anything. 

"Steve give me some fucking answers!" He yelled. 

"BECAUSE IT'S TOO PAINFUL, BUCKY!" Steve roared. Bucky had never heard him yell like that. It was raw, gut-wrenching and Bucky could literally feel his heart shattering. He had gotten Steve to his breaking point. In all his life, he never thought that the day his best friend would blow up, it would because of him. 

"Because I couldn't imagine the thought of saying goodbye, okay! I thought maybe if I distanced myself it'd would go away." Steve's chest was heaving. It was just too much for his lungs. 

"What would go away?" 

The smaller of the two shook his head. Bucky moved around the island and was by Steve's side in an instant. 

"Stevie." His voice was low. "What would go away?" 

"Buck..." Steve was white knuckling the table now. He kept his head down and Bucky caught sight of the tears  hitting  the counter top.   

"You have to tell me." 

Steve turned his head to face his best friend. Crisp blues eyes stared at him, and Bucky swallowed. There were moments where Bucky thought when the perfect moment to kiss Steve was. They'd be doing homework or watching TV or just walking side by side. But never had any moment felt as perfect as this one. Steve, looking completely broken, his lips plush from crying. Bucky licked his lips and swallowed again. His breathing quickened and he could tell Steve's heart was beating fast in his small chest. 

"Buck..." He said once more.  

Fuck it. 

Bucky crushed their lips together, a small yelp escaped Steve's mouth before the taller boy was pushing him into the fridge. Their teeth clashed briefly and Bucky didn't doubt this was probably Steve's first kiss. He decided to take initiative and the blond  followed suit. His hands explored Steve's body, touching everywhere he could. Steve tried to do the same, not really knowing what to do but Bucky didn't care. He was kissing Steve and that's all he needed right now. His lips were soft from crying and Bucky could swear kissing a girl never felt this good. When they broke off, both boys were breathless.

Bucky looked down and laced his fingers with Steve's.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that," He said between shaky breaths.

"You don’t know how long I waited for you do to that," Steve's pupils were blown, only the slimmest of blue was visible.  

How the fuck was he supposed to leave for San Diego in two days now that he knew what kissing Steve felt like? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so I know I said that this chapter would be about them coping but I got ahead of myself and I thought, why not end it there? So, the next chapter will be about the next two days and basically the time that they have together and I'm still piecing it together but it will be a pretty big chapter,  
> hope you liked it xo


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